Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Secondary tensions in a conflict situation?

[Sophie Rubin (yophiest]

I love this! Thank you for sharing!

Obviously in some circumstances more inter-community work needs to be done
directly with the central members of the situation, but this seems like a
great solution for some circumstances.

On Mon, Jun 2, 2025 at 9:27 AM Sharon Villines via Cohousing-L <
cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org> wrote:

> Takoma Village developed a good system for allowing a person or household
> to maintain their privacy and avoid questioning. The household or person
> would select a person to share information — usually a close friend but
> could also be a member who had counseling skills. That person could answer
> questions, share updates, and consult on needs and preferences with the
> community.
>
> It worked very well in the cases where a person had stage 4 cancer and
> years of treatment, a person was dying, a child wanted to avoid questions,
> a relative of a resident had been implicated in a crime, a death in the
> household, and divorces in process. Sometimes the person chosen would
> communicate by email and other times in person, even going door to door to
> notify everyone. It was helpful to know that 2 other households were
> helping so no more help was needed.
>
> It allowed everyone to relax and not imagine the worst or inadvertently
> ask a question that caused pain. And to be able to contribute helpfully by
> knowing if the household needed meals or preferred to be left alone.
>
> It doesn’t work to say we care and share, but our lives are private, none
> of your business. Where does that begin and end if we are so close that we
> know immediately that something has changed and may be problematic?
>
> One case was acutely uncomfortable for some members of the community. A
> household had decided to have a homebirth. With no notice, the unit windows
> were suddenly covered, and no one came in or out for hours and hours. The
> only way we knew that labor was in progress was that their parking space
> was occupied by the midwife’s car. Anxiety increased the longer it went on.
> After two days, everyone in the household left. Still no information
> shared. This was very hard for those who had experienced death at
> childbirth, of the mother or the infant. But no one wanted to ask questions
> since obviously, they preferred complete privacy. A simple “no problem”
> email would have eased everyone else's tensions.
>
> Sharon
> ----
> Sharon Villines
>
> Save Our Planet. It's the only one with chocolate.
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