Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Arguments and Arguing

[Bitner/Stevenson (lilbert]

I have to second this statement, Sharon. (We often think alike).

There is a member of my community who is extraordinarily passive aggressive.
She has this whole schtick where she won't discuss anything negative with
anyone, using the excuse that they are angry, and that she is "afraid" when
they are angry. She not only won't try to solve problems, she makes them
worse by blaming people for getting angry with her. She practically accuses
one of being abusive, then talks about how you're in denial. I'm not the
only one who would like to strangle her on occasion. Other times, she is
delightful.

I make this point because there are alot of people in the world, cohousing
people included, who are afraid of anger, not just violent expressions of
it. They are often the most angry people in the world, and that is why they
are afraid. I think it is not helpful to focus on the expression of it so
much that we forget that there are lots of ways to harm the community
without yelling and screaming. In this case, being someone who is completely
unapproachable without ever raising her voice.

In many ways,(here I go again with the analogies-will I never learn? Who
will criticize me now?) it is like adolescent boys and girls. Troubled
youths are equally divided among the sexes, but the boys get far more
intervention, because they tend to act out, rather than internalizing.
Meanwhile, the girls who never get help go on to perpetuate the problems
with the next generation of children. I know this is a vast generalization
here, but my point is that by focusing on loud outbursts, you miss 90% of
the rest of the problems that need intervention.
--
Liz Stevenson
Southside Park Cohousing
Sacramento, California

----------
>From: "Sharon Villines" <sharonvillines [at] prodigy.net>
>To: Multiple recipients of list <cohousing-l [at] freedom.mtn.org>
>Subject: Arguments and Arguing
>Date: Thu, Aug 26, 1999, 1:44 AM
>

> To get along in cohousing you just have to do two things--don't bother
> anyone and don't be easily bothered.