Cohousing-L Mailing List: at the risk of keeping it going just a little longer....

[Joani Blank (jeblank]

Dear Friends,

[some quotes from the conversation so far..... and some responses.....]

"If it is just a good time- --is a good time worth the risk of STDs and
pregnancy?"  

        Most of us adults know about and practice safe se.

"If it feels secure and safe, then why aren't we planning a wedding?  

        How about:  because we don't want to be married.

"And if she's not ready for that, then why is she risking std's and
pregnancy?"

Many monogamous couples don't want to risk pregnancy either, so they
practice effective contraception just like us singles.   And if you
practice safe sex you can reduce you likelihood of contracting an STD to
just about zero, no matter how many partners you have.

"Why would they wish to present themselves as married, and not BE married? "

Some people feel it that it is up to those who chose to be married explain
why they need the blessing of the state in order to stay committed to one
another, not the other way around.  So the burden of proof is on the
questioner.

"It strikes me as dishonest, and not entirely reverent of their
relationship or the 
specialness of marriage."

Only if you believe that marriage (no matter how bad it is) is more
"special" than any other  very committed relationship that does not have
the blessing of the state.

"I'd like to know what's wrong with the marriage and what kinds of steps
they'd like to take to be lead a more honest life." 

Puhleeeze. Could it be that nothing is wrong with the marriage, but , to
the contrary, the two partners feel so secure in the marriage that
loving--and yes having sex with--others does not put their marriage
relationship in jeopardy.?

"Does this person expect me to keep quiet about his/her gross dishonesty?"

It looks like the only honest choice to your way of thinking is enforced
monogamy.  And I don't want to live in a community where what I do in bed
with whom is enforced.   


I guess I shouldn't keep participating in this discussion if I really want
to see this thread put to bed (alone or with its monogamous partner, of
course),  But before leaving I want to bring this around once more to its
relevance to me as a  committed cohouser.  

I consider myself a poly person, although I have not yet established the
kind of poly relationship I think that I want during this part of my life,
In the seven years I've lived in cohousing (very tight, small urban
community) I've had more than one friend spend the night, and more than one
friend be my guest at a community dinner.  Some of these friends are sexual
partners--not necessarily the same ones who spend the night--and some are
not. Some have been seen visiting me only once, and some ongoingly for
several months.

Since I am a collector of the art work of Jan Saudek, a well known Czech
photographer, some of whose work is fairly explicit, I always alert guests
before they enter my home, so they have the option to visit with me just in
the common house or just in my front room (kitchen and office) if they
prefer.  I especially alert parents whose children are with them about my
art, and suggest that the parents check it out first for themselves; I
would never admit a child without his or her parent's okay. 

Now I may get some teasing about sex here because I am a sexuality educator
by profession, but I don't think I have offended anyone or put them into an
awkward position vis a vis explaining stuff to their kids because of what
is presumed to be my sexual lifestyle. 

So I'm pretty obviously a non-monogamous woman in this period of my life
(been there, done that with monogamy)  and I am not embarrassed about it
(even though some might consider my behavior unseemly for a woman of my age). 

Now I expect to live in one cohousing community or another for the rest of
my life, health permitting.  BUT I don't want to live in a predominately
or all-polyamorous cohousing community any more than I want to live in an
all-Jewish or all-single or all-white or  all-grandparents or
all--carnivore or all-bisexual or all-short or all-women or
all-anything-else community (even though all those descriptors apply to
me.) With the exception of a future primary partner or spouse with whom I
might well be eager to "do domestic," and with whom I might even practice
monogamy for some agreed upon period of time (surprised?), my other
lover(s) will be from outside my cohousing community, thank you.  

I hope that this behavior will not "frighten the horses" where I live, but
if it does, I guess I'll just have to deal with that when/if it happens. 

Joani Blank
Doyle Street and soon-to-be Old Oakland Cohousing