Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Teens

[Fred H. Olson (fholson]

Maryann Jones, Southside Park, jonema.dwq_po.dwqmain [at] dwq.swrcb.ca.gov
is the author of the message below but due to a problem it was posted
by the Fred the list manager:  fholson@cohousing org

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I agree with this.  The teens who have grown up in cohousing, and we have
a whole bunch now, are more community minded.  They now how to function in
a group and how to ask for what they want (McDonalds balls and furniture
inflated with helium).  They deal well with adults, and expect the
interest and interference of adults.  A neighbor and I were talking about
cohousing and teens one night at the table while my daughter was doing her
homework.  He made the comment that he thought that our current group of
teens, who had all grown up in the community, felt like they owned
cohousing.  I caught my daughter's attention and asked her if she felt
that way.  She looked at me like I was really stupid (a familiar look) and
said yes in such a way that it conveyed the impression that I shouldn't
even have to ask.  One of the advantages of having the kids feel that way
is that although they may not want to be around their families, they have
places in the community that they are comfortable with, and they don't
feel like they have to leave.

Although my children are fairly close to perfect, I have also found that
it is supportive to be in cohousing when you are having kid/teen problems,
up to a point.  The group can be really supportive, but they can also be
very judgemental, especially when the actions of the teen affect the
community, such as misuse of the common house or theft from the community.  
I have also found that I have established relationships with some of the
teens from the time that they were little, and that they can talk to me
when they can't talk to their parents.

Maryann Jones
Southside Park

>>> Joani Blank <jeblank [at] ic.org> 11/12/99 01:05PM >>>
Some folks here seem to have never been the parents of a teen or never have
even BEEN a teen. (Well, maybe a few of you/us were teens in quite a
far-gone era when......)  Teens in cohousing are apparently just like most
teens who don't live in cohousing.  Many of them would rather be anywhere
at all than with their family or their cohousing group, whichever they are
hypothetically in residence with.

Rob, as the mother of a 22-year-old who not long ago fit the description
(except that she's a girl) of the young man in your community who doesn't
relate at all, I can all but guarantee that the person REALLY benefitting
hugely from living in cohousing is his mother! 

Parents of teens know intellectually how important it is to let go of an
acting-out teen no matter how extreme his or her behavior may be. But doing
so gracefully and minimizing the pain can only be done, I'd contend, by a
parent who knows how to get support from other adults.  And we in cohousing
are likely to have a sufficient amount of that readily available. Even a
married parent can benefit from that kind of support, especially if his or
her spouse does not see eye-to-eye with him or her as to how to deal with
the teen.  Also, it's likely that one parent wants to talk about the
situation to other adults more than the other.  And who better than a
cohousing neighbor?

Those lucky enough to have lived in cohousing long enough to see some our
kids or pre-teens grow into teens in cohousing are noticing that these
teens show signs of being somewhat more community-minded than the those who
moved in as teens.  I'm stating this as gently as I can because I don't
know that we have a big enough sample to generalize from, but this is one
of those fascinating topics about which some of us look forward to some
research on.  I do believe that my daughter's life would have followed
quite a different course, had she had the privilege of growing up in
cohousing. She's doing really great now, but I think being cohousing would
have prevented some of the roughest spots in her early teens, both for her
and for her parents.

Joani Blank
Old Oakland Cohousing as of January, 2000!  (That's Oakland, California.
There is a there here, Mayor Jerry Brown notwithstanding.  If you think
that Jerry might be the most best, most compassionate mayor in the land,
check out http://www.jerrywatch.org)