Cohousing-L Mailing List: Conflict

[Sharon Villines (sharon]

> In response to a communication
> to the group by a particular individual outlining what I considered to be
> unilateral changes, that added to the number and complexity of the home
> types, I opened fire on this person, calling him self-interested and said I
> was insulted by the transparency of his argument for the changes.

Never question motives or characterize anything. Stick to your feelings and
desired outcomes. One reason to share information is that then you are not
the only person in the group who sees the issues the way you see them.

I'm one of those people who are not intimidated by conflict and believe that
resolution of conflict is healthy. Most people would much prefer the bad
outcome with no confrontation to the resolution with confrontation.

> I want the group to be able to hold the conflict and face up to the both the
> emotional intensity and the content of disagreements.  I agree with Sharon
> that my relationship is with the group, and I want conflicts to be handled
> by the group.

One thing I have learned about the group is that dealing with conflicts with
individuals does get dealt with by the group because "the word gets around."
When an individual won't deal with me directly, I enlist the help of a third
person who can often sort things out quickly and efficiently with less
discomfort.

Basically, you don't have a group yet. I didn't realize you were still in
the design phase when you posted the first post. This is very early in the
process. The group will not feel strong enough to support your strong
feelings. No one has any idea what they are doing now. They are still
learning and feeling their way.

Clarifying goals and asking questions is the best way to work through this.

Pizza and beer will work wonders also. As one of my troubleshooters here
says, "When you (meaning me specifically) bring food to a meeting it goes
better." She means that when I've fed people, they get less upset when I
insist on raising the issues no one wants to discuss.

Sharon
-- 
Sharon Villines
Takoma Village Cohousing, Washington DC
http://www.takomavillage.org


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