Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: giving and taking

[Kay Argyle (argyle]

> the person who sends out
> pages from catalogues to let people who intend to give her gifts
> know what she wants.  ... according to the way gift exchanges are
> supposed to work, she is behaving very badly indeed.

Strong hints being regarded as rude, is why so many people buy those
prepackaged, generic "gift packs" (shudder).  Better an inappropriate gift
than no gift at all, if the relationship/occasion calls for a gift.

> No one is ever entitled to a gift.

Giving or not giving a gift is a form of communication.  Nobody is
"entitled" to be told "I love you," or "Good job," either.  But if you don't
say it to the people you ought to be saying it to, the relationship changes.

Personally, I find the way gift exchanges are "supposed" to work frustrating
and absurd.  You are supposed to pretend you understand everyone you give
gifts to intimately enough to guess exactly what they will use and enjoy,
and that they also know you that well.  Hogwash.  Maybe you don't see them
often; maybe your tastes and lifestyle are very different.  You can live
with someone and still not know what to give them.  You can love someone and
not understand them at all.  You want to give them something, but what?

You end up purchasing bath skritchies with smelly soaps (which they can't
use because of their allergies), or the most recent variation on waffle
irons (only they never eat breakfast), or food (see above objections), or
something you bought at an art festival (so ugly that they feel guilty
relief when the cat knocks it off the bookcase).  And they give you the
equivalent.

You can't get rid of it, because it's a gift.  Or you do, but you feel bad
about the time & money & presumably thought they expended, picking out
something you sold at a garage sale for one-tenth what they paid for it.

You suspect your own gift was equally unwelcome.

The solution, some people would argue, is to not give that person anything
and have them not give you anything.  That works, if both parties are
agreeable that the relationship won't be damaged by abandoning that form of
communication.  Or give to a favorite charity on their behalf -- although
thankfully the family member who does that, knows my idiosyncracies well
enough to pick the right charities!

My family writes wishlists.  The practice started when we were children.  I
write down things that I would like but haven't bought for myself for
whatever reason, in a variety of price ranges, and mail it off around
Thanksgiving.  My family members can be sure they are giving me something
that I will use and enjoy, and think of them as I am do -- it will be the
right size, the right color, the right whatever (since I'm not fond of
surprises, having a good idea of what I'm getting is actually a bonus).  If
they have sent me a list, I in turn have the pleasure of knowing I have
given them something they will too use and enjoy.

A clear violation of gift-giving protocol .... but a lot more satisfactory
to all concerned.

Kay Argyle
Wasatch Commons
Salt Lake City, Utah
argyle [at] mines.utah.edu



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