Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Lesbians and gays in cohousing -- Pattee

[Sharon Villines (sharon]

I was going to reply to the question about lesbians and gays in the
cohousing off list because this subject gets very hot and I don't  have time
to respond just now. But I decided to post it publicly because there are
others out there with this question who are not as comfortable asking it.

People take up arms in favor of gays, etc. and see negative remarks where
there are none intended. There are none intended here and if you see any,
please keep quiet about it because I'm not going to address them.

We have two gay men in our project, one with three adopted children and one
about to adopt, and several people who have gay or lesbian children or
siblings who visit. There have been  no problems whatsoever -- although
before we moved in a single man who had been convicted (he denied it) of sex
with a young boy (age 12) was asked to leave by the parents of female as
well as male children.

We have several single men and women who do not have obvious partners --
whether they are lesbian or gay or not, no one knows (or cares). We have one
woman who has an acknowledged relationship with a heterosexual couple "of
undefined nature" in terms of sexuality but both partners stay over night in
her unit. Singles have people who stay over night and there have been no
problems amongst the children or the adults who are aware of it. Most adults
are to busy to notice. We have several single parents by choice who either
already have or are planning to have children one way or another.

We are also an urban community which may make a difference. People often
move to the suburbs to be with people like themselves -- at least
temporarily hetero with 2.4 children, 1.2 dogs or cats, one station wagon,
ages 25-45, etc.. Small town and rural communities vary widely since many
are made up of ex-city people who take their values with them.

But in general cohousing people tend to be fairly liberal and open to
differences. I have personally found that in all groups (church, book clubs,
etc.) the only difficult issue with mixing Lesbian, gay, and hetero people
is public displays of sexually provocative behavior. But this is true of
heterosexual couples as well. Older teenagers and "some" gay couples like
the public display a bit more than the observers do. Lesbian couples seem
less interested in public displays.

The biggest problem in my experience is where people see slights where there
are none, or certainly are not intended. I was walking through Greenwich
Village early one Sunday morning looking for a Sunday paper. A woman
standing with another woman yelled at me, "Stop staring. Haven't you ever
seen two women together before?"

Obviously from out of town. Every couple on the street at that hour was a
same sex couple. And no one was staring at any one. They were still too hung
over to stare. But she was sure people were staring at her.

Sharon
-- 
Sharon Villines
Takoma Village Cohousing, Washington DC
http://www.takomavillage.org


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