Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Conflict Resolution -- Avoiders

[Michael D (ohanamd]

John Gottman, Ph.D., has been studying relationships for over
20 years and is able to predict within minutes of meeting
couples which of them will stay together and which will split
up with better than 90% accuracy.

Part of his work has been about conflict in relationships.  He
says that there are 3 basic styles that people use to deal
with conflict: avoiding it, fighting about it, and talking
about it (the one that all the therapists like so much -
speaking as one myself).  What is remarkable about his
research results is that they show that all 3 styles work to
produce a lasting relationship, provided that the partner is
using the same style.  What doesn't work is when the partners
are using different styles.

Translating that to a community suggests why it is that
community can be challenging.  Undoubtedly within the
community are people with differing styles of dealing with
conflict.

What's the solution?  First it's to not judge other people's
styles of dealing with conflict and to not try to coerce
people into using a different style.  Then it's to develop a
process that allows everyone to do it their way, at least for
a time.  Finally, it's to find a process that eventually
everyone can live with.  This may be a challenge.

By the way, one of the underlying beliefs of avoiders
(apologies to anyone who feels judged by that label; to me
it's just a description) is often that if we'll give it some
time, everything will naturally work out on its own without
fighting or having to talk about it.  And that belief is
difficult to shake because sometimes that's what happens (and
intermittent reinforcement results in the most unshakable
learning).

Namaste,
Michael
ohanamd [at] earthlink.net
Heart Song Community
Santa Fe, NM

http://www.delphi.com/thisismylife/messages
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TheHeartoftheMatter
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/QuotationsforConsciousLiving
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AQuestionofIntimacy
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/PrayersfromtheHeart

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