Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Cohousing-L digest, Vol 1 #464 - 5 msgs

[Trina Rotskoff (trina]

> From: Sharon Villines <sharon [at] sharonvillines.com>

> This is a lovely statement. Perhaps cutting through the "Thinking/Feeling"
> opposition to "needs" is more helpful. Often I don't engage with people
> because I know I can't fill their needs.

The statement is Marshall Rosenberg's, paraphrased, and I am starting to
feel like some sort of disciple, but I just believe in NVC that much.  I,
too, have shied away from conflicts and difficult emotions out of fear that
someone might "expect" something of me that I'm not willing to give, then
they might feel hurt and I might feel inadequate, etc. etc.  One of the
things that I love so much about NVC is that it is based on the principle
that at each person's core we only want to contribute to life.  No one wants
you to meet his or her own needs at the expense of your's.  It is a basic
need to contribute to life, not take away from life.  But we've been taught
that that is the only way sometimes, that we are in competition with one
another, that if you get what you need, that means I won't get what I need.
That is why living in community by consensus requires a complete paradigm
shift, in my opinion.

We don't always realize how our language is a reflection of the old paradigm
even if we believe in the new one.

> From: "Cheryl A. Charis-Graves" <ccharis [at] jeffco.k12.co.us>

> I have even heard one person respond to the query, "What is behind your
> concern? What do you really need?" with extreme anger that the speaker
> was digging into her personal psyche.

So here's where I think I sound like a disciple:  "Marshall says"  ;)  that
when we ask people questions like that they feel as though they are on
trial, that they are being asked to justify their needs.  We are asking for
information that will give us an intellectual understanding when what we all
really need is to be compassionately understood.  We haven't been taught to
clearly identify our needs so being asked to do so can be threatening.  It
may feel like fishing sometimes, but taking a guess at what you think
someone needs and checking it out with him or her shows him/her that you
care about the need and starts him/her trying to name it for him/herself
without feeling put on the spot.

> How public does one have to go with one's baggage in order to facilitate
> effective process in a meeting where the primary focus is group problem-
> solving and decision-making?

How can we solve a problem if we don't know what needs the solution should
address?  What is a problem but an unmet need?  It is difficult to decide
whether the potential solutions meet the needs of the group if those needs
haven't been discerned or clarified.  This is why an outburst is a gift to
the group.  It is a need that hasn't been expressed as of yet.  When that
need can be brought out, it can be added to the list of needs that we intend
the solution to meet.

Unfortunately, I'm brand new to this, so I don't have any practical
suggestions (except maybe NVC training!), but luckily we have experts like
Rob and Tree around to point us toward tools of practice for these beautiful
ideals that we are trying to live.

Peace,
Trina

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