Cohousing-L Mailing List: Time expectations in cohousing

[Rob Sandelin (floriferous]

In traveling about a number of communities I offer this observation: I
seldom ever found equality in participation in any community I ever visited.
In cohousing and many other communities for that matter the most common
pattern looked like this:
about 1/4th of the membership was most active
about 1/4th was least active
about 1/2 varied from active to inactive.

This pattern was so consistent I hypothesize it represents normal.

I have said this before so excuse me for repeated this, But in my opinion is
the wrong approach is to seek what is "fair". A better approach is to seek
what makes you happy.

There are those who assume that the normal pattern would make many people
unhappy, and yet I found many places where this pattern in fact made
everyone very happy and worked great. Those that were in the most active
status were praised and exalted and acknowledge and thanked. They processed
any resentments clearly and learned that personal expectations can only be
applied to YOURSELF, and that trying to make everyone be like you only leads
to frustration and unhappiness. Those that were in the least active category
felt no guilt or shame because they weren't given any to deal with. They
were warmly welcomed and acknowledged  when they did participate.

So if you believe you are working too hard, stop. It will allow someone else
to step forward to take on the job. Yes, they won't do the job the same way
you did, but letting go is a very important skill to live successfully in
community.

The worse situation is when the driven control freaks  not only refuse to
give up anything, they complain and guilt trip people. This creates very
unstable and unhappy groups.

So be mindful that community is about relationships, not getting every task
done to perfection.

Rob Sandelin
Sharingwood, where a couple of rentals are available
www.sharingwood.org
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