Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: kids coming of age?

[Laura Fitch, A.I.A. (lfitch]

Jessica E. Morey 02 wrote:

> Hi all
> I'm working with a Homer cohousing group.  We're wondering 
> about young adult membership and responsibility. 
> In your communities do you have a policy for signing young 
> adult's up as members, what responsibilities/commitments 
> are they required to undertake and at what age 16? 18?  

We have no policy.  We just let each parent decide what is appropriate 
for their own children.  I required that my children (6and 9) 
participate in every community workday (approximately 3 per year) for 
several hours.  I require them to help me for about 20 minutes each time 
I set-up, cook or do dishes for a meal.  I require that they help me 
clean the kids room when I am on common house clean detail.  I am not 
even aware of what other parents require of their children, but I do not 
see much teen participation.  I cannot say this is a bad thing, maybe a 
little dissapointing.  I think it is partly because kids are so 
scheduled with school, homework, sposrts, music, etc., etc.  I think it 
is partly that the current adolescents did not begin their lives here 
and are not quite as integrated into the community as the next set might be.

The one thing we do however, is have rituals for the girls and boys at 
the approximate age of 13.  The woman typically take the girl(s) out 
camping, and do some pretty far-out rituals, singing around the camp 
fire, telling stories about our own coming of age, dancing, somemores, 
etc.  The men do something similar.  Usually a few men take the boy(s) 
for a hike, and arrive later at a campsite where all the other men are 
waiting.  I think it is a pretty profound experience for these 
adolescents.  Image what it is like for the boy raised by a single Mom, 
to have a community of men do this for them?!!!

> One 
> of our members is concerned that just because a kid's 
> parents are into and living in cohousing, the kid shouldn't 
> be forced to sign on to the whole thing.  

I think this is a ligitimate concern for children that enter cohousing 
at an older age (>8), particularly boys.  They may resent the move, they 
may feel like too many adults are "watching them", etc.  I do not think 
this is the case at all for children that are more or less born into the 
community.

This is my theory - I am not a child psychologist.  My authority on the 
subject only comes from 8 years of living in community, 9 years of 
parenting two boys, and 18 years of growing up in a fairly tight, well 
defined community.  

Children are forced, coerced, gently persuaded, etc. to do all sorts of 
things that their parents do/want:  go to church, attend school, go to 
camp, go on family vacations, etc.  Most children will display their 
desire to break away from their parents influence in their adolescence. 
I think the dynamic exists both in and out of the community.  The main 
difference is that if the children have been well integrated into the 
community starting at a very young age, then they will respect, admire, 
hold as mentors, etc. other adult members of the community.  They may 
choose to turn to these other adults when they turn away from their 
parents.  They will do things with and for them that they will not for 
their parents.

I see it a lot with the younger kids.  On workdays, there are certain 
adults that really know how to make work fun for children - they 
gravitate to them.  The kids show up in crowds on work days to work with 
these adults, even when their parents are not working that day.  If they 
have experienced the high of community service at a young age, maybe it 
is okay for them to pull away in adolescence - they will probably return 
to it as adults.

> any thoughts, 
> anecdotes or policies? 
> thanks
> Jessica
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--
Laura Fitch, A.I.A.
Principal Architect

KRAUS-FITCH ARCHITECTS, INC.
110 Pulpit Hill Rd.
Amherst, MA  01002
413-549-5799
413-549-7918 (fax)

lfitch [at] krausfitch.com




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