Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Fifty Plus Cohousing + ?

[Berrins (Berrins]

I think in all this discussion we're ignoring one of the major problems 
people of all ages have that can occur with children; younger children 
running rampant and screaming and yelling, essentially out of control.  
You'll often find their parents sitting in the dining room or at a picnic 
table, having coffee or tea and chatting with other adults, oblivious to the 
cacophony they've become used to.  You may think its just a lack of parental 
control, but I think it happens for several reasons, many of which are unique 
to cohousing:

1) The natural tendency for crowds of kids to get louder and louder, if only 
to be heard over the other kids.  To buck this trend takes regular adult 
supervision, which tends not to happen at mealtimes.  One family won't let 
their son hang out after mealtimes because he gets too revved up and then 
crashes and is difficult to get into bed.
2) The many opportunities in cohousing for these crowds of young kids to 
gather.  This is often cited as an advantage, and it many mays it is.  But it 
isn't common outside of cohousing- crowds of kids are usually found in school 
and school events, at sporting events or at birthday parties.  These are all 
structured environments, in which a few adults are focused on guiding the 
kids.  Cohousing gatherings are frequently much less structured and without 
the same focused control from adults (day care at meals, anyone?).   This is 
new for most kids and they tend to let go a little more;
3) Different parenting styles and a certain unwillingness to let others 
admonish your children or to admonish other people's children.  This is a 
frequent topic on this list and in many communities' discussions.  Cohousing 
brings together a wide range of parenting experiences and the differences are 
often subtle.  How much is too much noise and activity and when is it okay to 
admonish someone else's child?;
4) As we age, we tend to have fewer "stores" of energy and less ability to 
multi-task.  It becomes more difficult to carry on a conversation when you 
have children shrieking and running all around you.  Some folks at Pathways 
now avoid larger community gatherings because they don't like how "busy" 
things get.  

Don't ge me wrong, we've discussed some of these issues here at Pathways and 
some progress has been made.  But since cohousing is so new (we've been 
around for three years now), it may take some time before satisfactory ways 
can be found to resolve these (and other) child/adult issues.  In the 
meantime, some older folks may not be willing to wait; they want peace (and 
quiet) and they want it now!  Add this to all the other reasons given on this 
list serve group and I can understand the attraction of a cohousing 
retirement community.

None of this, by the way, means people wanting  a cohousing retirement 
community are hostile to children.  They may just like them in smaller doses. 
 And what if they are truly hostile to children?  We may not like it (I 
certainly don't and hope that isn't anyone's reason), but nobody can force 
them to like children and they still need someplace to live.  Why not a 
cohousing community? (What a dreary place that would be!)  And by the way, I 
doubt that it is illegal to create a 50+ cohousing community.  Retirement 
communities are all over the place and have been for years.  With housing 
often in short supply, surely by now someone would have forced the issue and 
got a family into a retirement community.  Does anyone know the law in this 
regard?

Roger
Pathways Cohousing
Northampton, MA

Where a record snowfall (of a light, powdery snow) has turned our paths into 
a giant maze, with little cat paw prints in the dustings of snow left by the 
wind.
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