Cohousing-L Mailing List: Refining concerns / needs

[Racheli Gai (racheli]

Hi Cheryl,

The NVC "core needs" are everyone's core needs, not
just some people's, or not of people in one culture but not another. (So,
I don't think that Bush and co. CORE needs are different from the needs of
people in "Arab Countries".  Whether Bush is really looking for "safety",
or whether he's making people scared for their safety in order to achieve
other goals is a question I won't get into in this forum)...
To take the example of safety, I doubt that you don't have
safety as a core need.  The way I understand what you mean is that you
don't perceive a lack of lights as threatening to your safety. If there
were landmines affoot, suddenly your need for safety would get triggered,
I bet :)
If you don't feel that your safety is endangered even when
it's pitch dark outside, then obviously you don't have a concern. For
people who feel fear when it's pitch dark, there is a concern that their
safety is at stake.  Perhaps a good discussion can clarify whether extra
light might in fact make them safer or not...  It's  also possible that
even after a discussion, people will not agree.

Something which is implied in your post, which I agree with, is that on
the level of basic needs, people have different priorities.  For some,
having autonomy and ease is higher on their priority list than safety. 
For others, being safe is the most important - even if it makes life
cumbersome in some ways, or cuts significantly into their choices (and
autonomy).

R.   


>Actually, I find that feelings and concerns may be fluid, but core needs
>are pretty consistent. For me, a core need is an issue or category of
>concern that shows up in an individual's life again and again. Here is
>where I find NVC to be most helpful.

>Feelings and concerns usually arise out of core needs. So it is helpful
>to an individual to identify their core needs. Often, what feels like
>raging emotion is a reaction to a core need that is not being met.
>Addressing the core need   not necessarily the feeling   resolves the
>concern more effectively than trying to understand and assuage the
>feeling.

>I am not that concerned with safety. It is not a core issue in my life.
>My core needs are more in the realm of autonomy, integrity, and spiritual
>communion. These are the same needs I have been working with my entire
>life. How I understand them has changed. Resolving my core family issues
>has helped tremendously. For example, I no longer experience depression.
>It wasn't a chemical imbalance or an inherited familial pattern (for me).
>It was a chronic pattern of unmet needs.

>Since safety is not a core issue for me, I don't even notice that the
>lights in the parking area are out until someone expresses their need for
>safety. I used to try to resolve conflict at the feeling level, but I
>don't anymore. It's too temporary as a solution. I try to understand the
>underlying need, and I find it works out much better for all concerned.
>There are so many more creative solutions available when one is
>addressing needs as compared to feelings.

>So I don't get worked up over an "urgent" demand on behalf of "everyone's
>concern" for an overhead light on the street parking that will cost
>thousands of dollars. I start asking questions that will help me
>understand the need. Then we brainstorm ideas about how to address the
>need.

>By the way, I believe that our present government acts primarily out of
>their core need for "safety and security"   which does not intersect well
>with the core need of most Arabic countries for "honor and respect."

>All just my point of view ...

>Cheryl

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racheli [at] sonoracohousing.com (Racheli Gai)
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