Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: members with dementia

[Lynn Nadeau (welcome]

I'm in the same community as the original post-er on this topic, and 
immediately recognize the situation. 

In response to one "answer", no we are not calling it Alzheimer's because 
the person is a certain age (we have many lucid members who are older 
than this one), or disagrees. This is a medical diagnosis, under 
medication. When this person's spouse is present, it goes a lot better, 
but sometimes she is out of town. 

What often happens is that member X gets confused, especially if there is 
new information to be assimilated. Afraid that something undesireable, or 
unwise, will slip through, and feeling responsible, and wanting to feel 
in control, his reaction is to dig in his heels. "I'm sorry, I can't go 
along with this." Sometimes as a group we can come up with a way to 
clarify and calm him, but what has worked best is to declare a break, and 
have a person he trusts go aside with him and get him on board, or at 
least get more clear what it would take to satisfy him. At best, after 
the break, he explains that he no longer has a concern. This however 
requires that we have a long enough meeting, or that the situation comes 
up early enough in the meeting, that there is time to do this one-on-one 
processing and still have time to approve the proposal afterwards. 

Our facilitation team does strategize before meetings, including some 
scenarios with certain individuals, including pre-processing with certain 
people beforehand to find out if they are on board. But sometimes we are 
taken by surprise. 

Thanks to all who have responded, or may yet do so. We want to be 
respectful, listen well (as this person sometimes has useful insights and 
"pieces of the truth"), AND not get feeling held hostage. It's a tricky 
one. 

Lynn Nadeau, RoseWind Cohousing
Port Townsend Washington (Victorian seaport, music, art, nature)
http://www.rosewind.org
http://www.ptguide.com
http://www.ptforpeace.info (very active peace movement here- see our 
photo)