Cohousing-L Mailing List: RE: members with dementia

[Rob Sandelin (floriferous]

A block means you are withholding permission for the group to go ahead. It
is not appropriate to use a block because you disagree, consensus is not
about agreement, it's about giving permission. (The root word consent, means
give permission). It is normal to give permission for things you might
disagree about. Unfortunately, far too many cohousing groups have come to
understand that consensus means unanimous agreement, (everybody more or less
agrees) so they spend hours and hours trying to accomplish this, and
sometimes  end up unsuccessful and frustrated.  Its ok for people to
disagree about a decision, especially coupled with personal humility to let
the community try it out and see. 

So a question you might come back to a block is, can you tell us why you
feel the group should not move ahead with this decision?  From that simple
question should come a clear answer with which the group can then work with.
If the answer to the block is, I don't like it, or some variation of that,
then clearly that member does not understand consensus and needs instruction
or training.  

If a member who is mentally questionable is given the opportunity to
withhold permission for the groups decisions, then you might need to
consider how you can ask them for permission. The question should be clear
and simple and relate to the topic, for example, can you tell us why we
should not expand dinner hours from 6-7:30?  Sometimes refocusing the
decision as a clear question might be all this person needs in order to
understand it.  Meetings with many people saying many things can get very
confusing. This is where a good facilitator takes ownership for clarity, and
clearly sums up the comments to that point, and checks in the proposal as
modified.

 As you gain experience with a mentally disabled person you might be able to
find patterns in their behaviors which can give you indications of what
might come. For example, I know of a person who takes medications, and she
is very calm while medicated, but when her medication has not been taken she
is very high strung and  twitches her hands around in a nervous manner.
Clearly if you can find some behavioral cues which indicate the mental state
of your member, your meeting facilitator has something to work with. If you
are so lucky as to have a facilitation team, I suggest you include this
person in your meeting planning, and have a plan in place when they act
dysfunctional.  You can also set this up with them ahead of time, assuming
they are aware of their behaviors.  

I recall a community I met with which had a member who had a multiple
personality disorder.  Now that caused some serious whackiness in their
world! You never knew who was going to show up at the meeting.

Rob Sandelin
Sharingwood Community

-----Original Message-----
From: Helen Lauritzen [mailto:hlauritz [at] cablespeed.com] 
Sent: Friday, June 03, 2005 10:29 PM
To: cohousing-L [at] cohousing.org
Subject: [C-L]_ members with dementia

Have any of you dealt with a member suffering from dementia who makes
consensus difficult for the group?  We are an aging group and have one
person who is usually rational and intelligent but gets confused in meetings
and is unable to move from thought to thought.  He therefore gets stuck in a
position, which usually results in his blocking consensus.  Do you think a
form of consensus minus one would work, whereby the person blocking has a
set period of time in which to persuade another member of their blocking
concerns?  We'd like to hear your suggestions, experiences, thoughts.

Helen Lauritzen, RoseWind


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