Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Interpersonal Conflict

[Pam Bredouw (pbredouw]

David Entin, Rocky Hill Cohousing
Northampton, MA


Thank you, David, for bringing this important topic to our listserv!

We, at Vashon Island Cohousing (vashoncohousing.com) have had a conflict 
resolution process since our inception. As with many others, the first step is 
to try to resolve the conflict directly with the person. If that doesn't work, 
the Living in Community Committee will appoint an "advocate" for each party and 
facilitate a series of conversations until the conflict is resolved. If that 
doesn't work, we'll hire a professional facilitator/mediator. Sounds good, 
right?

Here are the sticky areas we've discovered. Sometimes one party sees a 
situation as an egregious conflict and the other doesn't see a problem at all 
-- how to get both parties to engage? Most often, our process breaks down at 
the first step. Though most of us have been trained in/exposed to NonViolent 
Communication (cnvc.org), it takes a lot of courage and skill to sit down 
one-on-one and have a hard conversation or two. Then, how do you decide when a 
conflict has been fully "resolved" - when both parties say they're ok? When you 
can feel the love? What if there's residual resentment that builds up again the 
following year? To what extent is this the business/problem of the community vs 
the individuals? To what extent is an individuals' issues/fears/hot buttons 
her/his own business to take up with their therapist?

Along those lines, how do you attempt to ensure that new members joining the 
community have the communications skills and emotional maturity to be a 
successful community member?

We hope to address this topic at our annual retreat in the Spring, and I thank 
Wayne for turning us onto Laura Nader's work. We hope to find a trainer to work 
with us, as we hone our skills in this area.

Much gratitude in advance for all who contribute to our body of emerging wisdom,
Pam Bredouw
Vashon Island Cohousing, WA