Re: Screening prospective members for sexual abuse in their background | <– Date –> <– Thread –> |
From: Elizabeth Magill (pastorlizm![]() |
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Date: Fri, 4 Mar 2022 12:53:55 -0800 (PST) |
I was surprised to discover that Maggie is right, that HOAs do have a responsibility to take seriously neighbor-to-neighbor abuse within the community. https://www.allpropertymanagement.com/blog/post/hoa-responsibility-for-neighbor-to-neighbor-disputes-harassment/ That said, I don't believe that screening for past criminal behavior will result in reduced neighbor-to-neighbor abuse. I agree with Maggie's assessment of other things we might do to reduce abuse. Also, I think we expect cohousing to be *not like* other groups of people in ways that are naive and untrue. -Liz (The Rev. Dr.) Elizabeth Mae Magill Pastor, Ashburnham Community Church Minister to the Affiliates, Ecclesia Ministries www.elizabethmaemagill.com 508-450-0431 On Thu, Mar 3, 2022 at 4:20 PM Maggie McGovern via Cohousing-L <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org> wrote: > > I believe some cohousing communities are sitting ducks for predators, abuse > and bullies. I lived in cohousing for over two years and bought my unit > before realizing the danger. I have since researched this and violations in > community and Ive found it isn’t that unusual. Basically there are often a > lot of compassionate, well intended people and sometimes there are not good > boundaries. For instance in my community there are no Rules and Regulations. > There was no accountability for if someone crossed lines including legal > lines. I was harassed for two years. I told the community. We (the HOA) are > then legally required to investigate. I asked for it to be investigated as is > required. No one did. When the person harassing me refused to do any of the > written suggested steps we all have agreed to, mediation, professional > mediation, but instead escalated his harassment most people did not know what > to do. Those who wanted accountability were single women with less voice and > power and were ignored. So nothing was done to stop it. I got care and > compassion at first. But no real protection or legal action that is required. > I get it, many were scared, many confused, many just not good at boundaries > and conflict avoidant, many tired. But the behavior was not new. I was not > the first single woman to be targeted. I got more abuse than anyone > previously partially because I spoke up and partially because as a single mom > I was the one outside for most of the time with the children. This made me an > easy target. So I left after trying very hard to help improve things not only > for myself but for other new people and women. I was one of the most active > members of this community. But the lack of accountability and following legal > rules is a real problem. There was scape goating and a lot of group shaming > and power plays (founders supporting/enabling founders despite violations). > And it continues in other ways towards other single women. > > It also left me with a dilemma on selling. My neighbor has the history of > harassing single women, the community isn’t following legal obligations and > isn’t protecting women. I was left in a very hard moral place. > > I have since spoken to other cohousing members in other communities and ex > members of my community as well as experts on community violations and abuse > and this is not that unusual a problem in communities it just shows up in > various ways. When I left I thought they should have a “welcome predators and > bullies!” sign. > > I believe for my old community there needs to be accountability, rules and > regulations, grievance policies and people educated on what the HOA is > required to do and how. I shared all of this with them so there’s also some > lack of interest in that from those who have the most power that I don’t know > how to address. I imagine other communities have a better balance of > boundaries and empathy. It’s very unfortunate for those women left who wanted > to improve this. > > I think if people are looking into cohousing they should try to ask the > people not participating, people who left, not just the most vocal and those > that jump forward about their positive experiences. The face of each > cohousing does not always show the underbelly. Those writing the most emails > and speaking the most might be blind to the abuse (even on this list serve). > I also suggest people read the meeting notes. Some of the scape goating and > inappropriate behavior in our community is recorded in notes (without the > labels of course but there is clearly bad process and triangulation and scape > goating). I’m unsure if one can ask police departments if there are reports > on certain HOAs but I’d ask cohousing members if they know of any police > reports. Ours has multiple. > > I still have hope for this community. With so many moving and some founders > leaving there is a great opportunity to restructure. But there is still a > great weakness that any community can be prone to in my mind. > > Unfortunately, those expressing this view on this list serv will be a > minority as most won’t be on here anymore and many won’t want to share. The > violations have such a big impact but the enabling can be just as damaging > and many are silenced. > > Thanks for pondering and bringing this issue up, > Maggie > > Sent from my iPhone > _________________________________________________________________ > Cohousing-L mailing list -- Unsubscribe, archives and other info at: > http://L.cohousing.org/info > > >
- NVC & Sociocracy [was Screening prospective members for sexual abuse in their background, (continued)
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NVC & Sociocracy [was Screening prospective members for sexual abuse in their background Sharon Villines, March 4 2022
- Re: NVC & Sociocracy [was Screening prospective members for sexual abuse in their background Linda Hobbet, March 4 2022
- Re: NVC & Sociocracy [was Screening prospective members for sexual abuse in their background Sharon Villines, March 4 2022
- Re: NVC & Sociocracy [was Screening prospective members for sexual abuse in their background Ted Rau, March 4 2022
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NVC & Sociocracy [was Screening prospective members for sexual abuse in their background Sharon Villines, March 4 2022
- Re: Screening prospective members for sexual abuse in their background Sharon Villines, March 4 2022
- Re: Screening prospective members for sexual abuse in their background Sharon Villines, March 5 2022
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