Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Diversity in Cohousing

[Kathleen Lowry (kathleenlowrylpcclmft]

I’m a little confused-or very confused. Here’s my take.
I don’t see the path to loving each other -in spite of differences to be 
pretending there aren’t differences-of every kind, not just ethnic, gender or 
color.
How does pretending they aren’t there help us grow? 
Being in a biracial marriage to me implies a level of color blindness and 
cultural knowledge not all of us, of any color, have. 
Of course stereotypes aren’t at all real or helpful. They’re ridiculous, 
really, and harmful of course. But if we don’t acknowledge that differences and 
cultural norms exist-such as “real men don’t eat quiche” we can’t direct 
change, can we? 
In the world of couples counseling we say every family-maybe every 
individual-is a subculture and the differences have to be specifically  
discussed and honored-ignoring doesn’t help. 
Maybe we can all understand that culture is a very general term so of course 
there is great individual variation. But understanding those differences can 
increase our sensitivity to individual preferences. Like not assuming we 
can/should automatically serve red meat to everyone at the table.
I was touched by others’ attempts to explain.
Of course I might be wrong.
Kathleen

> On Feb 21, 2023, at 8:07 AM, Katie Hymans <haikaili [at] gmail.com> wrote:
> 
> Hi all —
> 
> I echo Abe’s questions here. And would like to add some food for thought
> for my fellow white folks.
> 
> A BIPOC member of this community pointed out some problematic dynamics in
> what was being communicated. A response to that contained no appreciation
> for the explanation of how harm is being caused, nor apology. Instead, it
> contained further explanation, which to me came across as tone deaf and
> doubling down. 
> 
> Please give more weight to the impact of our actions/words than we give to
> intention. If I’m driving a car and hit a pedestrian, it doesn’t really
> matter that I didn’t mean to. The priority is to tend to the harm I caused
> them and get them the help they need. It is no different when the harm is
> emotional in nature. Further explaining ourselves when we’ve caused harm to
> explain our intention just furthers the harm.
> 
> ~ Katie Hymans
> Southside Park Cohousing, Sacramento, CA
> 
> 
>> On Tue, Feb 21, 2023 at 4:59 AM Abe Ross <cohoyote [at] gmail.com> wrote:
>> 
>> Why do you feel it necessary to note (a) his colour (b) his being
>> articulate (c) the. colour of the person to whom he is married? Would you
>> have done that if he were not  person of colour?
>> 
>> Abe Ross
>> 
>> Feb 21, 2023 8:45:11 AM Zev Paiss <zevpaiss [at] gmail.com>:
>> 
>>> The comments I made with regard to language and cultural differences
>> came out of a very recent diversity talk I was part of in a forming
>> community in Costa Rica, where the currently almost all white middle to
>> upper class group of potential residents, were asking how to bring POC into
>> their group. One extremely articulate and wonderful black man who is
>> married to a white pediatrician made the comment that differences in
>> culture and language would most probably not be welcomed so readily in that
>> community.
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>> 
>> --
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