Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Diversity in cohousing

[Sarah Lesher (sarah.lesher]

Grace --

Before I moved into cohousing I lived (as a white person) in a majority
minority working class neighborhood, in Silver Spring, Maryland but inside
the Washington Beltway.

For me the shock was moving to the very vanilla Northeast, though I'd gone
through the shock repeatedly on my semiannual or more frequent visits
north.

But that Silver, MD, community never really came together with the block
parties, etc. that more ethnically/economically uniform communities
managed.  (We had a single McMansion surrounded by modest bungalows, like
the one torn down that the Mansion displaced, a sort of a weird symbol of
our differences.)

Decades ago I had a Black roommate who distanced herself when we graduated
and she got into Black Power. I understand now, in a way I didn't then, why
she felt that way.  But it didn't help improve interracial communication.
Likely neither of us was up to it then.

And I've spent a lot of time feeling "othered" when traveling or living
abroad.

Check out the story on public radio's The Moth this week about an adopted
Korean who never felt he fit in either US or Korea.

What the Korean who told that story and I have both apparently felt is that
we humans are evolutionarily inclined towards clannishness.  Even with good
intentions, and living as the "other" in a society rubbing elbows daily,
the only people I saw succeeding for a time in bridging substantial
cultural gaps were Peace Corp Volunteers and others who "went native,"
dressing like and marrying locals.  And at least one of those divorced his
African wife, a herd of goats as alimony and child support for their
daughter.

So I, having (without going to that extreme) "leaned into" several
different communities in different countries with different cultures, I'm
skeptical about the degree to which we as humans who evolved to live in
small homogeneous societies (some anthropologists say roughly 150 people)
can even with the best of intentions reach across this divide.

But this theory -- of 150 people "clans" -- might be counteracted by some
evidence that Neanderthals lived in very large social groups.  Though, even
though many of us have a few Neanderthal genes, we are Homo sapiens,
not Homo neanderthal.

Heck, I've had Millennials tell me that they didn't really feel comfortable
moving into a community that was heavily Boomer!

I'd love to have a broader discussion on this, especially since I am
neither anthropologist nor sociologist nor speaking for anything beyond my
limited personal experience.

--Sarah Lesher

On Sat, Feb 18, 2023 at 3:39 PM Grace Kim <grace [at] schemataworkshop.com>
wrote:

> “We can't turn some people away in order to wait for others who meet
> certain criteria. We have to treat everyone the same.”
>
> If groups are truly seeking diversity/racially equity…this might be
> exactly what you might do…turn others away in order to wait to make room
> for others.
>
> Treating everyone equally is not racial equity…it is kind and human. But
> believing that treating people the same is akin to equality or furthering
> equity is a naive ideal.
> Because it disregards people’s lived experience, and make assumptions that
> everyone is starting from the same level playing field. That’s why the
> “pull themselves up by their bootstraps” rhetoric doesn’t work- that
> assumes everyone has boot straps, or even boots.
>
> Sharon- your experience of people misunderstanding your history/lived
> experience as being a black experience is their/society’s racist belief
> that white people are always educated/better off and that black people
> aren’t middle class and don’t have their own rich histories and cultures.
>
> For those in cohousing who seek diversity/racial equity…I think it’s great
> to keep these conversations going. But people have to personally examine
> what they are comfortable with.
>
> A good test of your personal comfort with being surrounded with people of
> color…try to regularly attend a Black Baptist church or Asian led Buddhist
> meditation group or LatinX catholic mass. (Or pick another non-religious
> community group that regularly meets).
> How does it feel to be the “other”? What do you gain from being in that
> community? What old practices/beliefs/behaviors do you need to give up to
> be welcomed/comfortable?
> How long does this take? Are you willing to take the time to learn? Are
> you willing to tolerate/lean in to the discomfort?
>
> If all this feels like unnecessary work, admit you are not ready…but don’t
> pretend that you are woke or ready for diversity…it just confuses those
> around you.
> Racial Inclusion/acceptance/equity is messy and hard work. There is a LOT
> to gain from trying. But it might not be for everyone.
>
> I’m not an expert…I’m also on this journey. But I have my lived
> experiences. And a LOT of training that I’ve done personally and
> professionally and with my community. Racial equity will be my life’s work,
> interwoven with everything I do.
>
> Grateful to all of you willing to have these conversations.
>
> grace h. kim
> schemata workshop
> (sent via mobile messaging)
> 206.795.2470
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