Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Diversity

[Sharon Villines (sharon]

On Feb 22, 2023, at 7:20 AM, Zev Paiss <zevpaiss [at] gmail.com> wrote:

> The gentleman I referred to was sharing how his language changed when he went 
> back to his childhood neighborhood and began to interact with old friends who 
> still live there. His point was that his culture includes a language that 
> many others would feel offensive. When I
> asked him why his friends uses the dreaded “n” word, he shared that they are 
> reclaiming it so it can not be used against them which was a mind bender for 
> me but made perfect sense in that context.

I think this is a good story that illustrates how people who are the intended 
targets of an intended insult diffuse it. I was furious when I returned from 
after my first year in college in 1961 when the protests were heating up and 
language was a battle to find my brothers using  “dagoes" with their Italian 
American friends. But their culture was to use the word themselves to change 
its meaning. It was hard for me, but for them, it worked. (I had to look up 
“dagoes” to be sure I was spelling it right — I don’t think I’ve ever seen it 
written.)

This is a frequent tactic to defuse words. In the 1960s and 70s feminists 
adopted "Bitch" and Lesbians “Dyke” and wore buttons that said things like 
“Damned right I’m a bitch! and “Ask me if I’m a dyke.” It set a lot of men back 
on their heels who used those words to intimidate women by saying “The only 
reason you are asking for equal pay is that you really are a dyke!” They 
diverted the argument for equal pay into hopeless explanations about not being 
a dyke until women just said, “So what?” 

When women made it clear that being called a bitch was not going to intimidate 
them, the word stopped being used. The slap in the face no longer landed. 

The same thing was done by white people during the civil rights movement in the 
1960s when they were told “The reason you support equal rights for coloreds is 
that you are one.” The only response that kept the argument on the topic was 
“Of course, so what?” 

There are many words that evoke deep feelings from insecurity to hurt and 
exclusion for many different people, many never revealed and almost never 
spoken of, but not speaking of them doesn’t change their effect when we 
internalize the negative meanings. Turning that around doesn’t mean ignoring 
the instances when the words are used as insults or for intimidation but it 
does mean talking about the real issue, not just avoiding the word.


Sharon
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Sharon Villines, Washington DC
"Design is the first sign of human intention." William McDonough