Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Forming group crippled by new members

[Ann Zabaldo (zabaldo]

Dealing with difficult people.  There’s a book by that name.

Yup.  That happened w/ a group I was helping form.  There was one couple who 
needed something (never identified) the group could not give. It was absolutely 
bloody.  In the end, we had to call in professional mediators to help the 
individual members say their piece, say good bye and leave a little bit on 
their way on the healing spectrum.

Scary when it was happening. Sad when it was over. Thoughtful since then.

Dealing w/ difficult people is not only a problem in forming groups … there are 
coho communities everywhere that have one or more members who are “outliers” 
who question, prod, exhibit let’s say unusual behavior, and become lightening 
rods in the community.  Hard to get a person to leave when they own a home in a 
condo legal model.  Easier in a ccop model but still not fun. Early on in the 
forming stage, the group needs to decide how to handle this challenge.

Maybe others can comment.  I’m sure cohousing is replete with examples.

I remember Laird Schaub observed the weak links in the cohousing model are the 
inability of the group to choose its members and then the inability to ask 
members to leave.  

Best —

Ann Zabaldo
Takoma Village Cohousing
Washington, DC
Ex. Dir. & Mbr. Board of Directors
Mid Atlantic Cohousing
202.546.4654
zabaldo [at] earthlink.net

People can be divided into two groups:  those who think they are right.


NOTE:  Please use zabaldo [at] earthlink.net for email.

> On Mar 30, 2025, at 9:38 PM, Fred H Olson <fholson [at] cohousing.org> wrote:
> 
> I recently corresponded with someone who with their partner had been
> involved with forming a cohousing community. The forming group appears
> that it may fail to get a community built. It seems like a cautionary
> tale worth sharing.
> 
> After having lived in another cohousing community, - a wonderful
> experience - the couple moved and started working on creating a
> cohousing community in their new area. They made a lot of progress
> during more than five years, but they were very sad that, over the
> final year they were involved, one couple with a very different vision
> of community and cohousing joined the group. Since the group was
> self-selecting and the new couple seemed oblivious to their being a
> bad fit (non-fit) and chose to stay, my correspondent and their
> partner decided to leave. The group has dwindled precipitously to
> three households over the time the new couple has been involved . The
> groups high point was about 15 households. The group had been using
> sociocracy but likely no more. My correspondent still loves the idea
> of cohousing but just does not feel they can start from square one
> again.
> 
> Fred
> 
> --
> Fred H. Olson  Minneapolis,MN 55411  USA        (near north Mpls)
> Email:        fholson at cohousing.org      612-588-9532 My Link Pg:
> http://fholson.cohousing.org                  ybb_
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