Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Forming group crippled by new members

[Mac Thomson (macthomson]

I’ve been with Heartwood Cohousing for 30 years now, 5 while forming and 25 
since move-in.

I would concur with what Ann said and what she shared from Laird. In my 
experience, the most challenging part of cohousing is to be in close 
relationship with people I would rather not be in close relationship with. 
Don’t get me wrong, the vast majority of my fellow community members have been 
great, but just a few bad apples can really spoil an otherwise happy community 
vibe.


Things I would recommend to mitigate:
Although I don’t see a good alternative to a self selection process in 
cohousing, where the majority of assets are privately owned, I would suggest a 
robust self-selection process. Make sure prospective members are coming in with 
their eyes wide open and have carefully considered their fit. We require 
would-be members to complete a Prospective Member Checklist, which includes 
lots of requirements about spending time with community members, careful 
consideration, etc. Link below.
Having a policy in place detailing what’s required to reconsider / reopen an 
existing community agreement or previous community decision. For us, you need a 
request from one of the following: >50% of the households or the team 
responsible for that area or the Steering team. It’s spelled out in our 
Decision Making and Meetings agreement. Link below.
For decision making, use something other than a unanimous consent consensus 
model, such as sociocracy or modified consensus. Unanimous consent consensus 
too easily allows one or two people to hijack community decision making with 
all kinds of nasty fallout. In our case, our modified consensus process 
initially seeks unanimous consent, but if we fail to get it, the person(s) 
blocking the proposal must organize meetings to resolve the impasse. Coming out 
of that is either a revised proposal to be considered anew or if no resolution 
can be found, the original proposal, which then requires only an 80% vote to 
pass. Details are also in our Decision Making and Meetings agreement. (Dianna 
Leafe Christian wrote a great series of articles about this in Communities 
magazine a few years ago.)
Backbone. IMO, most cohousers are very heart-first people, which is mostly 
lovely, but not always. I think it gets us into trouble when dealing with 
particularly problematic people, people who by their actions are rending the 
fabric of our community. I’ve seen community members who are unwilling to 
address destructive behavior in the name of inclusivity. In their view, we 
always want to welcome everyone and whatever behavior they bring, no matter 
what. This is also a convenient way of avoiding conflict in the short term. And 
who does’t want to avoid conflict? But IMO a good heart needs to be balanced 
with prudent thinking to create true wisdom. Short term conflict avoidance can 
lead to much worse conflict later down the road and very possibly damaged or 
destroyed community fabric. I would suggest a community culture that recognizes 
that all individuals are welcome, but not all behaviors. And when community 
values are being compromised by bad behavior, the community needs the backbone 
to address those destructive behaviors with compassion and firmness, very 
similar to what an individual needs to do in setting personal boundaries though 
prudent assertiveness.


Prospective Member Checklist
https://www.heartwoodcohousing.com/prospective-member-checklist.html

Membership Agreement
https://www.heartwoodcohousing.com/membership.html

Decision Making and Meetings Agreement
https://www.heartwoodcohousing.com/decision-making--meetings.html

Best of luck everyone in navigating the sometimes choppy waters of community 
life. It’s generally fabulous, but sometimes painful.

Cheers,
Mac

-- 
Mac Thomson

Heartwood Cohousing
Southwest Colorado
http://www.heartwoodcohousing.com


"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety 
deserve neither liberty nor safety."
              - Ben Franklin
**********************************************************



> On Mar 31, 2025, at 12:34 AM, Ann Zabaldo <zabaldo [at] earthlink.net> wrote:
> 
> Dealing with difficult people.  There’s a book by that name.
> 
> Yup.  That happened w/ a group I was helping form.  There was one couple who 
> needed something (never identified) the group could not give. It was 
> absolutely bloody.  In the end, we had to call in professional mediators to 
> help the individual members say their piece, say good bye and leave a little 
> bit on their way on the healing spectrum.
> 
> Scary when it was happening. Sad when it was over. Thoughtful since then.
> 
> Dealing w/ difficult people is not only a problem in forming groups … there 
> are coho communities everywhere that have one or more members who are 
> “outliers” who question, prod, exhibit let’s say unusual behavior, and become 
> lightening rods in the community.  Hard to get a person to leave when they 
> own a home in a condo legal model.  Easier in a ccop model but still not fun. 
> Early on in the forming stage, the group needs to decide how to handle this 
> challenge.
> 
> Maybe others can comment.  I’m sure cohousing is replete with examples.
> 
> I remember Laird Schaub observed the weak links in the cohousing model are 
> the inability of the group to choose its members and then the inability to 
> ask members to leave.  
> 
> Best —
> 
> Ann Zabaldo
> Takoma Village Cohousing
> Washington, DC
> Ex. Dir. & Mbr. Board of Directors
> Mid Atlantic Cohousing
> 202.546.4654
> zabaldo [at] earthlink.net
> 
> People can be divided into two groups:  those who think they are right.
> 
> 
> NOTE:  Please use zabaldo [at] earthlink.net for email.
> 
>> On Mar 30, 2025, at 9:38 PM, Fred H Olson <fholson [at] cohousing.org> wrote:
>> 
>> I recently corresponded with someone who with their partner had been
>> involved with forming a cohousing community. The forming group appears
>> that it may fail to get a community built. It seems like a cautionary
>> tale worth sharing.
>> 
>> After having lived in another cohousing community, - a wonderful
>> experience - the couple moved and started working on creating a
>> cohousing community in their new area. They made a lot of progress
>> during more than five years, but they were very sad that, over the
>> final year they were involved, one couple with a very different vision
>> of community and cohousing joined the group. Since the group was
>> self-selecting and the new couple seemed oblivious to their being a
>> bad fit (non-fit) and chose to stay, my correspondent and their
>> partner decided to leave. The group has dwindled precipitously to
>> three households over the time the new couple has been involved . The
>> groups high point was about 15 households. The group had been using
>> sociocracy but likely no more. My correspondent still loves the idea
>> of cohousing but just does not feel they can start from square one
>> again.
>> 
>> Fred
>> 
>> --
>> Fred H. Olson  Minneapolis,MN 55411  USA        (near north Mpls)
>> Email:        fholson at cohousing.org      612-588-9532 My Link Pg:
>> http://fholson.cohousing.org                  ybb_
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