Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Romance and Sex in Cohousing

[Loren Davidson (lmd]

On 12/22, Eric Hart said:
>This is in reference to the message Joani posted back on December 14th
>about sex and romance in cohousing communities.  I guess I'll take a stab
>at this and see where I go with it.  I like to talk about all aspects of
>cohousing, not just the technical stuff about kitchens and bylaws. 
Talking about *all* aspects of living with other people is good.

>        I'll start by saying that Scott Peck in his book _The Different
>Drum_ (which I would highly recommend for anyone in a community) talks
>about this issue.  He says that after a group of people has reached true
>community there is much love in the group which can be good or bad
>depending on how it is handled. 
Indeed.  And the first, best way of handling *any* interpersonal situation,
IMHO, is through *communication* amongst all the parties.  In this way,
people can learn what the "comfort zones" of their fellow communards are.

> If people acknowledge that they are
>experiencing feelings of love and/or romance and realize the source then
>chances are it won't be acted upon.  However, if people act on these
>feelings inappropriately then all hell can break loose in a hurry.  An
>example of inappropriate behavior would be if married individuals started
>having sexual relations with other married individuals, in what had
>previously been monogamous relationships. 
Only if this breaks any agreements among the parties involved.  Let's be
careful with judgemental words like "inappropriate".  Everyone's mileage
WILL vary.

Eric, your conclusions only make sense if one assumes that all members of
the community belong to monogamous and exclusive couples relationships, and
it sounds dangerously like a judgement that this is the only "right" family
form.  This is no more the only "right" way of doing a relationship, IMNSHO,
than single-family tract housing is the "right" way of doing neighborhoods.
How would you feel about someone who came into your core group meeting and
said, "Well, cohousing is fine and dandy, but what happens if some
community-minded people move into our neighborhood and start having
community relations with people who had previously been individualist
nuclear families?  It could really cause all hell to break loose here!"

The key word, again, is communication.  One of our problems in this society
is that we don't talk about what's important to us.  We ASSUME.  Remember
what happens when you ASSUME?  You make an ASS of U and ME.
>  If
>there was a household that had a nontraditional relationship (however you
>want to define that) I can see some potentially hazardous situations
>arising when parents had to answer the kids questions about the people in
>the household.  How would you tell a child about those people's
>relationship without appearing politically incorrect or run the risk of
>alienating those people? 
Be honest and non-judgemental.  "Billy has two mommies and one daddy", or
whatever.  No big thing.  There was a thread in the alt.polyamory newsgroup
a couple of months back on this subject, and that was the general consensus.
If you treat something as "shameful" or not to be talked about, that's how
the kids will consider it.  If you treat it as matter of fact, likewise.

BTW, I can highly recommend alt.poly to anyone wanting to learn more about
making *any* relationship in their life work better, regardless of how many
people of whatever genders you relate to.  The most common themes are about
being honest, about asking for what you need, about being non-judgemental,
about negotiating for the best situation for all parties.  I believe that a
lot of what I've learned there is useful in any interpersonal situation,
such as creating a cohousing community, for example...

>about it, but things like that could happen.  Even if everyone in a
>community has traditional relationships, issues come up like the one
>Catherine Kehl mentioned in her post of 12-14.  She has healthy
>relationships with multiple partners which may set a bad example for some
>people's kids. 
Please excuse me for shouting, but WHAT'S WRONG WITH HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS?
 If it's healthy, who bloody CARES what form it takes?  With the current
divorce rate at about 50%, we could use *more* healthy relationships of any
sort to use as examples for our children.  What's the worst these kids will
learn, watching a household like Catherine's?  How to communicate honestly?
How to acknowledge you have feelings and needs?
 
I'm going to use an example from _A Different Drum_, since you've seen fit
to quote it here.  Specifically, when Peck talks about the transition from
chaos to community.  This transition is called "Emptiness".  In this
process, potential community members let go of all of those prejudices which
are preventing the formation of community.  You might want to look at what
prejudices regarding family and relationships *you* hold, and how they might
be holding you back from the experience of "being in community".

>        I haven't lived in a community but have experience with two groups
>that are forming or have formed here.  Thus I can't give specifics about
>things that have gone awry but have presented questions that should be
>asked when confronting these issues.  As our society acknowledges more
>non-traditional relationships these sorts of issues are liable to come up
>in cohousing communities more frequently.  I think that they are mostly
>swept under the rug, so to speak and don't get dealt with directly.  There
>is the potential for this sort of thing to result in conflict and/or bad
>feelings in a community so it would be wise to address it sooner rather
>than later.  
Agreed, believe it or not.  People *should* be willing to talk about
relationship issues, comfort zones and the like when talking about forming
communities.  Heck, I think it would be healthy for people to continue
having those discussions as sort of a "check in" even once the boxes are all
unpacked.  I believe that one of the best ways to destroy community, in a
relationship or a neighborhood, is by "sweeping things under a rug".
Therapists specializing in treating addictive disorders call that sort of
thing "denial".

I apologize for being long-winded and a little upset here.  My buttons get
pushed by people who appear to wear intellectual blinders.  As I said above,
it is the break from "conventional" thinking that separates the cohousing
concept from standard tract housing.  Let us be willing to take this process
beyond the form of our physical neighborhoods to the ways we relate to each
other.

Loren
_________________________________________________________
Loren Davidson 
lmd [at] beauty.batnet.com
http://www.batnet.com/beauty/lmd.html
"I'd love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code!"