Re: Romance and Sex in CoHousing
From: Catherine Kehl (tyliku.washington.edu)
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 94 21:20 CST
It all get's down to some sort of issue of shared values -- especially 
when dealing with kids -- doesn't it?

I still wonder how much issues concerning romance and sex get brought up 
during the formative stage of co-housing communities.  It's probably fine 
if they don't -- as long as people have fairly similar ideas about what 
is appropriate.

It's still kind of the big question I have about the co-housing group I 
almost moved into (I didn't move in because of space considerations, by 
the way -- I was certainly willing to make a go of it had I been able to 
fit!).  

But looking back at it now, even though my relationships are certainly a 
personal issue, and tend to be a pretty quiet one at that, it would soon 
have become obvious to everyone that I have one boyfriend and two 
girlfriends, all of whom I'm terribly close to, and the group of us (plus 
various others that I happen not to be sleeping with) tend to hang out 
together.  No, we don't tend to grope eachother in public.  On the other 
hand, my own mother, whom I'm very very close to, and who certainly seems 
to approve and even be proud of the situation as it stands, has said that 
she worries about what kind of example I'm setting.

See what I mean?  A conflict of values.  I don't really see people (in, 
say, a co-housing group that I'd be interested in getting involved with 
in the first place) saying that there was something wrong with my life.  
Indeed, the response I've gotten from most people who are not in 
communities where this is relatively commonplace is "gee, I'm amazed you 
all get along so well.  There must be some really great communication 
going on."  (There is.)  On the other hand, while people seem very 
comfortable letting their kids know that a couple are involved -- without 
feeling obliged to discuss their personal life beyond that -- I have 
usually seen Craig described as my boyfriend, and Lisa and Vicka 
described as "close friends of mine".

As to whether it could simply be a non-issue, I can see this going two 
ways: "nobody makes a big deal about it" which would work very well -- I 
don't usually make a fuss over it, and I can't see why anyone else would 
need to, or "nobody has to know" which just wouldn't happen.  I mean, 
naturally, these are my dearest friends in the world, and I'm proud of 
them.  And in any tight-knit community, everyone always knows anyway.

                                Catherine

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