RE: Romance and Sex in CoHousing
From: Rob Sandelin (robsanmicrosoft.com)
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 94 13:37 CST
At Sharingwood this is a non-issue for the community.  Our houses are 
private and we seem to lack a real gossiper sort of person so the who, 
what, where and when is a private matter.  There are 3 single people in 
our community, and who they go out with has never been anyone else's 
business (They haven't brought their dates to community dinner).  The 
only conversations dealing with relationships that I have been part of 
have involved problems, sort of anti-romance of couples who are not 
getting along as well as they would like.  Our hidden  value is that 
sex and relationships are private matters and no one else's business.  
I call this a hidden value because its defined by our behavior and not 
by any discussion or agreement.

As to graphic sexually explicit art and kids, better talk about it with 
the parents.  As a parent of two very little girls, my father instinct 
wants to keep my kids away from such stuff for awhile yet.  If I lived 
in your community I would want to know what's on the walls of your 
house so I could make choices for my kids.  You might find parents 
choosing not to let kids play at your house due to what you put on your 
walls.  This is an area which is ripe for a values conflict.

In another community I lived in long ago there was poor communication 
about sexuality issues and some very bad vibes developed and the group 
exploded apart with a very violent jealous rage fist fight.  If you are 
living in a shared house or other very close quarters be aware of the 
undercurrents and call attention to them, either privately or publicly. 
 The boundaries of relationships are really fuzzy and hard to define 
sometimes, especially when it involves touching.  Is it OK if I give a 
back rub to a single woman when my partner is out of town?  Or am I 
intruding on her personal space and making her feel threatened?  Will 
she mistake my intentions as a sexual advance? What will the neighbors 
say?  Will my partner hear about it later and feel jealous?  The 
complexity of this sort of thing can get really crazy and of course 
most of us are not very adept at talking about this sort of stuff.

Trusting each other, being alert for triangulation, and being direct 
about your feelings can help keep relationships in good standing.

Rob Sandelin
Sharingwood



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