Cohousing-L Mailing List: Reality check of lofty values

[Unnat (zen]

Dear All

I'm happy to receive the responses privately and feedback if there seems to
be an enthusiastic response.

I'm looking for clear info / links / reality checks / resources regarding
commonly held definitions of values/principles/processes.  I find that some
good people share what I view as shallow, and sometimes self-serving,
assumptions that are at best totally subjective and at worst, highly
manipulaive and covertly hostile.  I often feel as though I am walking on
thin precious ice; a  brittle, precarious surface that shatters easily under
the steps of an 'oaf' like me.  The ones that bother me most are those that
are deemed almost sacred.  Frustrating in a one-on-one communication, I've
witnessed this shallow approach cconfuse and reduce a group into a kangaroo
court with often devastating results. Note my growing, oh hell, my
frustrated cynicism?

"When you ..., I feel ..."
The basis of clear, honest communication.
My reality:  owning the problem, accepting responsibility for one's own
part, non-blaming, goodwill, aiming for win/win.
What I see:  often the opposite, sealed with a tear.  eg, one of my
favourites, "I feel attacked ..."  Is this a feeling?  Sounds like an
accusation.

"unsafe"
What does that mean?  I am out of my comfort zone?  Or this is dangerous?
Or I'm a 'fraidy cat?  I mostly see it used as a oblique blame and a
manipulative tactic for getting one's own way.

 "speaking one's truth"
I wish!  How many times have I seen hands held to hearts, eyes roll sky-ward
while uttering this uncontestable line.  The next second, out comes a
totally self-serving and irresponsible statement or even a bold faced lie!

"trust"
I trust in the go(o)dness, the ki, the ultimate mystery, whatever.
My reality:  In people, trust is knowing, knowing is loving, loving is
understanding that we are not all always trustworthy.  Trustworthiness is a
combination of charater and competency, the mix required depends on the
desired result.
What I see:
Trust put out as an undisclosed expectation, eg "I trusted you and you
didn't come through!" - charater required without agreement.
Or the other side of that coin is a kind of self-righteous trust that has a
built in failure clause.
eg, " Blah is going to do x-job."  "Is Blah able?"  "Trust!"  Later, "Blah
stuffed up but that's OK.  We won't let him/her know and we'll redo
x-job." - competence required without agreement.

I am all ears!

Warmest regards
Robyn