Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Re: Children

[Kay Argyle (argyle]

> You seem to put a certain spin on my words which wasn't there.

There was no transition to indicate a change of subject, from all people who
wanted to live with others in their own life-stage, to a hypothetical subset
doing it because they dislike children.  I wasn't the only one who concluded
that you were assigning to all such people the motive of hostility to
children -- as though, either people wanted to live with children, or they
were hostile to children, with no other possibilities.  I beg your pardon if
that was not your intent.

> there are other (more effective, and more respectful)
> ways to interact with children than by the "laying down the law"
> measures.

Here again I'm not seeing allowance for more than two possibilities.
(a) Adults shield children from every ill wind, including ones the children
themselves generate, or
(not-a) adults lay down the law, a phrase usually used for punitive methods
of stopping inappropriate behavior (and like hostility, loaded words).

An object in concensus is to broaden the solution set beyond just the two
choices x and not-x.  People slide into thinking in dichotomies so often, it
seems to be part of human hardwiring, but at least we can train ourselves to
catch it, and practice backing up for a larger view.

To use a geometric metaphor, a dichotomy is a single dimension -- a line.
Moving from x, you arrive at not-x.  In multiple dimensions, many lines go
through x and can lead to any number of different points, all of which are
not-x -- valid "opposites."

For instance, if Charming isn't a prince, what is s/he?  If not male, a
princess; if not royal, a commoner; if not heir, a king.  Or --

"What is the opposite of prince?
A frog must be the answer, since
As all good fairy tales tell,
When some witch says a magic spell
He always ends up green and sad
And sitting on a lily pad."
 -- (I don't now the author.)

Since I hadn't regarded laying down the law as necessarily the alternative
to that particular variety of child-centrism (certainly there are others),
it took me a couple of days' thought to see a connection. Finally it
clicked -- I was talking about a benevolent, overly protective authority,
one alternative to which is a stern authority.

What I said, perhaps not clearly, is that children are better prepared for
the world if they occasionally encounter practical consequences of their own
bad manners, ill judgement, or even simply being different, in their
interactions with people and things that mostly provide positive
experiences -- emphasis on that last clause.  By all means, guard against
experiences with the malicious or truly dangerous.  No bigots, bullies, or
boa constrictors need apply.

Scenario:  Mikey pulls Potato Chip's tail.  Potato Chip uses her claws.
After cleaning the scratch, the adult
(a) sends Mikey to his room, because Mikey knows he isn't supposed to pull
Potato Chip's tail.  The adult is an enforcer, laying down the law.  Subtext
that Mikey hears: My crime was not doing as I was told.
(b) agrees with Mikey that Potato Chip was a bad cat, because Potato Chip
isn't supposed to scratch, and makes an appointment with the groomer to put
on claw caps.  The adult is a fixer.  Subtext: The world is supposed to be
perfectly safe no matter what I do, and if it isn't, it's somebody's fault.
(c) encourages Mikey to apologize to Potato Chip, to pet her and be friends
again.  The adult is a guiding authority -- letting the situation enforce
itself, and helping the child resolve it.  Subtext: Rules keep me safe, and
respecting a person or thing benefits me as well as them.

Seatbelt laws make police the bad-guy enforcers.  Safety regulations make
car manufacturers the not-doing-enough fixers.  Accident reports saying who
was belted, and who not, make the news media guiding authorities.  What's
most likely to get you to buckle up, a ticket that doesn't go on your
driving record, a buzzer and a dashboard light, or your Mom telling you that
her car was totalled, but her only injury was the bruises across her chest
from the seatbelt?

Kay

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