Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Seeking advice re mentally ill community member

[Racheli Gai (racheli]

Dear Diana,
This sounds so very painful for all involved :(

People made lots of good points.
I agree with Eris that people not locking their doors etc. sounds very 
strange.
It would seem like the first line of defense!

I also agree that you need outside advice.  Not just regarding the 
woman's condition,
needs etc., but also someone which will help the community  work 
through this.
I suspect that positions and disagreements on this issue get mixed up 
with all
sorts of other issues and human dynamics.  In such cases, someone from 
the
outside -  who doesn't have a stake in any of it -  can help sort 
things out.

I had a painful experience with a mentally ill woman whom (my family 
and I)  took in,
thinking that her "only" problem was a severe case of multiple chemical 
sensitivities.  She
was supposed to stay for a week or two, and ended up staying - mostly 
in our
house, and in the end in the community guest room - for about 4 months.
It took a long time for me to figure out that her behavior/strangeness 
isn't due
to MCS, but to  mental illness, because it's common for people with 
severe
MCS to exhibit some emotional disturbance as a result of exposure to 
certain
substances.  Because I myself have a (mild) case of MCS, and have 
experienced the
kind of denial by many people that my problems are real, I was of course
especially empathetic and willing to help.  It made me somewhat blind.
Anyway, eventually she started seeing me as her enemy and basically 
fell apart/exploded.
(I'm mentioning this in relation to the comment conveyed by the 
professional
that a close person becomes part of the psychosis).
I also want to support the point made that when the ill person is well, 
they can
be very appealing, and you get attached to them.  We DID get attached 
to her,
and the idea of asking her to leave (especially in the Tucson summer, 
when
temperatures regularly rise above 100 degrees), knowing that with MCS 
she
might end up on the street, was quite unbearable.
I don't want to get into details, but the extent to which we strived to 
accommodate
her and adjust to her needs (real or imagined) was tremendous.  I felt 
later that
I haven't had to do that much to help one person since I had babies.
I see this as something worth mentioning to underline the fact that no 
amount
of caring and attention could really help.  (Diana,  if you wish to 
know more
details in order to illustrate this point to your resistant community 
members -
contact me off list).


There ended up being a standoff with the community, when she refused to 
leave
the CH guest room (let me add that she had 3 weeks to be there, in 
which she
could have looked for a different place, but seemingly didn't).  As it 
turned out, she had
(perhaps) squatter's rights - which she knew about - and a lawyer.  [We 
found out
that even after staying in someone's house as a guest (not a renter!) - 
after a certain
amount of time a person has such rights].
She did eventually leave.  I run into her every few months in a health 
food store or
somesuch place (she fought with the people in the local food coop, so 
at least I'm
not about to run into her there)...
One additional point I'd like to make is that once she decided I was 
her enemy, we tried
so very hard to convince her that she couldn't possibly have a better 
ally than I was.
It was all to no avail.  Once her mind was made up, there was no 
changing it (because
it had nothing to do with real-life evidence).  She also didn't 
recognize that she had
mental illness, [and in fact what caused her to turn against me was my 
mentioning
that in certain situations she seems different.  This was the thing she 
was least able
to hear or accept].

I hope you find a way out of it without harming you community any 
further.
I  hope there is hope for this woman, too, but I do agree with others 
who commented
that your first and foremost responsibility at this point is to heal 
your community.

Sending love and support your way,
Racheli
Sonora Cohousing
Tucson, AZ.




On Mar 31, 2007, at 8:56 AM, Eris Weaver wrote:

> I am just astounded by this whole story. How is this woman getting into
> your houses and your cars and stealing things? Do you all go to work,
> school etc. and leave everything unlocked, keys in yours cars? Has it
> not occurred to anyone to LOCK their houses and cars, set some
> boundaries, etc? Is it OK in your community for non-members in general
> to just wander onto the property and into your houses?
>
> (I don't know your community, so maybe I'm missing something obvious?)
>
> Why do some people think it is somehow OK to compromise their own and
> their children's safety in this way? If someone you didn't know came
> onto the property and engaged in these behaviors, you would call the
> police. Why is it OK if you know the person?
>
> I am just baffled.