Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Sexuality and CoHousing

[Catherine Kehl (tylik]

I decided to try to reply to various different posts on this thread in a 
lot, so sorry if it's confusing.  I started with Rob Sandelin's post 
because it was one of the few that dealt specifically with the issue of 
non-monogamy in a community, as opposed to the pros/cons of 
(non)monogamy. 


Rob Sandelin said:

"The most difficult arena in this privacy-public boundary is in
parenting.  The parents do talk to each other a fair amount about child
raising issues and we have had some group meetings to work out some
common understandings of how to deal with things like discipline of
children in the commons.  I know as a parent I have my moments of doubt
and insecurity and I really appreciate that I have several other
parents to talk to and bounce things off.  Having a built in parent
support group is one of the best aspects of Cohousing."

This is one of the things I was wondering about -- I know that there are
parents who do not want their children (or especially teenagers) to be
exposed to non-monogamy as an acceptable (to anyone) lifestyle.  (Even
sometimes if they speak favorably of non-monogamy in private).  

Hypothetical situation: there one is with their fourteen year old 
daughter who is looking to be rather promiscuous.  How does one tell them 
this is not okay (assuming that this hypothetical parent wants to convey 
this message and assumes that it is their duty to) when Joe, Jane, Sarah 
and Jack and all their friends are having a wild time of it up the path?  
Not my problem, but I could see some people being very uncomfortable with it.


Martin Tracy said:

"I imagine this could be a problem in cohousing.  How do you get a little bit
on the side (at your place) and not have everyone know about it the next day?
Anyway, there are not enough poly's to go around, and your cohousing group
will probably not have any.  If you do, they can probably help you with any
issues of jealousy that might come up.  BTW, there are some <couples only>
communities listed in The Directory of Intentional Communities.  Anyone have
any experience with this?"

Hmmm....  Let me just put in a plug for honesty in relationships (on the 
"side"?!!).  Not enough polys to go around?  Huh?!  I don't get the math 
here.


Rob Sandelin also said:

"Regarding polyfidelity in Cohousing.  If say 12 or 15 out of 60 adults
wanted to live this lifestyle in a cohousing group, why would this be a
problem?"

Semantic note:  polyamoury is a more inclusive term than polyfidelity -- 
which is supposed to restricted to closed group marriages with equal 
emotional bonds between all participants.  (Though a lot of people have 
been using the term polyfidelity as a substitute for polyamoury because 
it's trendy or something.)

and (in the same message)

"I would be curious to hear from other groups what levels of privacy are
maintained."


Me too.  And I wonder how this maintained works -- I mean, there is one 
side where you don't have people prying where you don't want them, and 
another where there is a certain set of things in your own life you aren't 
supposed to talk about in public....  


Jeff Papineau said:

"Absolutely, HIDDEN non-manogamy is the cultural norm, and the sooner we come
to realize, accept and appreciate the basic differences in male/female sex
drives, we come to a much fuller appreciation of human needs in general,
and we cease to see these aspects of human sexuality from a fear based
perspective of "she/ he's cheating on me"."

I must disagree with what seems to be your assumption that these
differences in sex drives are gender based.  People (as a set) have
different drives, desires, needs, time-frames, etc.  But I've met both 
men and women on both extremes, and from what I've read of the research 
that has been done, though there are biological differences, "drive" 
isn't one of them.  Function, of course, is....  This is a bit off the 
topic of dealing with sexuality in cohousing, but, like, it puched a 
button of mine.



Pablo Halpern said:

"Non-practitioners need to be respectful of that expression but need not
accept it as good. Conversely, non-monogamists must respect monogamists by
accepting their agreements and vows. An extreme violation of the latter
could be someone in the community trying to seduce someone else who is in
a monogamous relationship."

I don't know that this would be more extreme than any other case of 
unwanted affections being foisted on an innocent bystander.  If a person has 
been told that the recipient of their affections is not interested, it's 
always correct to go away....  However, I don't think people can be seduced 
against their will.  (Rape, you see, is a different matter).

But total agreement on your cheating = breaking of vows.  As you might 
have guessed, I have no problem with non-monogamy -- but if someone's 
lying to their other partners, I don't want to be anywhere near them.  

                                        Catherine