Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Sexuality and CoHousing

[Jeff Papineau (jeffp]

Martin,

I really found some of the ideas in your post compelling. Please allow
me to comment:

>From cohousing-l [at] uci.com Wed Aug 31 18:44 PDT 1994
>Date: Wed, 31 Aug 94 20:33 CDT
>Originator: cohousing-l [at] uci.com
>Sender: cohousing-l [at] uci.com
>From: mtracy [at] netcom.com
>Subject: Re: Sexuality and CoHousing 
>X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0 -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas
>Content-Type: text
>Content-Length: 1714
>
>Regarding non-monogamy and cohousing...
>
>There are at least two non-monogamous group houses forming in Los Angeles at 
>this moment (the Phoenix family and Live The Dream).  In my experience, open 
>non-monogamy frightens the beJesus out of people.  It calls into question the 
>basic cultural underpinnings of family values.  You can have your kids taken 
>away!  People are pretty tolerant of gays and bi's in Los Angeles nowadays.  
>The same tolerance does not apply to poly's.  Many are still in the closet.

I agree, and I find it repulsive that people are not truely free to express
themselves without judgement in our culture. If they have a second relationship
outside of the primary relationship, they are "cheating", which for me,
is a repulsive idea in itself. The fact that I might choose to be with
someone else other than a primary partner, or the fact that I might prefer
not to have a primary partner at all, seems to open me up to all kinds of
holyer-than-thou judgements from others. But for me, I'm not cheating, I'm
expressing myself and my love for another human being. How do we explain
these inconsistantcies to our children? Why is it not possilbe to deeply love
more than one person?


>Hidden non-monogamy, however, is a cultural norm.  If you can believe the 
>surveys, roughly 75% of men and 50% of women in supposedly monogamous 
>relationships cheat.  This is a natural pattern among birds and mammals.  If 
>you still think birds are monogamous, you're a little behind the research.  
>(We won't mention cats ;-)  The absolute best strategy for the propogation of 
>genes is as follows.  The male impregnates every female in sight.  The female 
>finds a protective, food-sharing male, and cheats a little on the side in 
>case he is sterile.  As primates, we have been perfecting this strategy for 
>two and a half million years.


Absolutely, HIDDEN non-manogamy is the cultural norm, and the sooner we come 
to realize, accept and appreciate the basic differences in male/female sex 
drives, we come to a much fuller appreciation of human needs in general, 
and we cease to see these aspects of human sexuality from a fear based 
perspective of "she/ he's cheating on me".

Famous quote:

"Every woman is looking for her one perfect man, and every man is looking
for his five perfect women."
                                - a very observant woman.


>I imagine this could be a problem in cohousing.  How do you get a little bit 
>on the side (at your place) and not have everyone know about it the next day?

Exactly!

This is precisely the reason why this issue MUST come out of the closet, MUST
become more of a socially acceptable norm, and MUST be planned for ahead
of time. There are few true "secrets" in community. If you love someone other
than your primary parter, other's will tend to notice. If other's have not
been counceled, made aware, or grown on thier own in this regard, they may
tend to form judgements about this acceptability of this behavior, regardless
of whether or not it effects them at all...

In the end, we must give up our attachement to outdated ideas predicated
not on love, but upon fear, and that will include: 

Religious fundamentalist dogma
Racial hatred
polygamous relationships
gay relationships
control dramas
jealousy
intolerance of any consensual act among concenting adults
etc.


The sooner we stop living a lie, the sooner we can live in truth...


>Anyway, there are not enough poly's to go around, and your cohousing group 
>will probably not have any.  If you do, they can probably help you with any 
>issues of jealousy that might come up.  


Because they have grown beyond the fear complex called jealousy. I wonder
how many people in this group can say that? Is this type of growth part
of community?

For me it is.

Jeff-

BTW, there are some <couples only> 
>communities listed in The Directory of Intentional Communities.  Anyone have 
>any experience with this?   
>--
>Martin Tracy          mtracy [at] netcom.com          Los Angeles, CA
>
>
>