Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Beyond Polyamory: Other Sex and Relationship Issues

[Deb Smyre (dsmyre]

At 01:36 PM 10/24/1999 -0500, Eris Weaver wrote:
>
>Deb, I appreciated your attempt to address this question; but can you see
>that your response is still a JUDGEMENT or an OPINION and not a FEELING?
>(Just saying "I feel" in front of something doesn't make it a feeling!)

        Yes, I see your point.  "I feel annoyed" about sums it up
        for me, I think.
        
>I would invite you to focus on the second of Stuart's questions:
>
>>What bad thing might happen to you because of a polyamorous neighbour?

        I might be forced to endure the trial and error relationship
        fumblings of a group of people whose personal values and
        relationship boundaries are very loosely drawn.

        I might be subjected to accusations, as I have during this
        online discussion, of prejudice and narrow mindedness if
        I openly disapprove of polyamory.

        I might witness the answer to the question "What happens
        when polyamory goes bad?", which I imagine to be more
        complex and ugly than events surrounding a simple divorce.

        I might be denied the pleasure of community harmony when
        a neighbor's fear of 'sexually aggressive' poly people leads
        to arguments or worse.

        I might have to endure the annoyance of a group of people
        who expect blanket noncritical acceptance of their behavior
        as a matter of course.
        
>This is really what is relevant here, in relation to cohousing, IMHO; other
>people's individual choices are none of anybody else's business UNLESS and
>UNTIL they adversely affect the rest of the community. 

        On the contrary, I think people's choices are more other
        people's business in cohousing than not.
        I think Rowena addressed this quite well already.
        I support her sentiments on this, reposted below.

At 08:16 AM 10/21/1999 -0500, RowenaHC [at] cs.com wrote:
>There seem to be two opposing ideas running through this thread.  The first 
>is whether it is anybody's business who is sleeping with whom, and most 
>people would say "no, if they keep it to themselves."   This is the "I don't 
>care what they do so long as they don't do it in the street and frighten the 
>horses" school of thought.   Unfortunately, it is very difficult to be 
>totally discreet, and many people who indulge are really rather pleased with 
>themselves and choose to "accidentally" let the cat out of the bag.   After 
>all, our perverse culture gives bragging rights to sexual athletes!

Eris wrote:
>I have yet to see
>anyone who objects to polyamory personally state any valid reason that it
>might affect the community as a whole.

        I think we might assume that if enough people aren't
        comfortable with polyamory as a lifestyle, then this
        fact alone could upset the balance of community.
        Add to this the apparent problem of simply discussing the
        issue without accusations flying about, and we have
        a valid issue, in my opinion.  Or, it may just be that
        no reason will ever be a valid reason in the minds of some
        poly folks.

        Deb