Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Beyond Polyamory: Other Sex and Relationship Issues

[Stuart Staniford-Chen (stuart]

Deb Smyre wrote:
> 
> At 12:21 AM 10/25/1999 -0500, Eris Weaver wrote:
> >
> >Thanks!  After I fired this off I worried that I had worded in incorrectly
> >in an accusatory or judgemental way, and from your response it seems that I
> >did not.
> 
>         Frankly, it was accusatory and downright rude.  Writing
>         in CAPS WITH MULTIPLE EXCLAMATION POINTS!! always
>         strikes me as hostile.  But, I try to make my points in as straight-
>         forward a manner as possible, despite other's apparent lack
>         of netiquette.

Deb:

I agree that Eris' post escalated the hostility level.  I fear yours will
have the same effect.  I would imagine that Eris will read your post and
think "Deb Smyre is accusing me of being rude!", feel angry, and react in
whatever way she customarily handles anger.

I wonder whether you would have been able to reach her better by saying
something like:

        Actually, I did feel quite hurt and angry when I read your post.  When 
        you tell me that I'm <whatever>, and emphasize it with CAPS AND 
        MULTIPLE EXCLAMATION POINTS, I feel upset and it's hard for me to 
        keep stating my strongly felt beliefs in a constructive way.  I try 
        to make my points in as straight-forward a manner as possible, despite 
        my upset.

(Obviously, I'm making up your feelings since only you know what they are.) 
But I'm sure you're strongly emotionally engaged at this point, or you
wouldn't be posting so often.  (And I feel for you - I spent the week before
last engaged in a strong heartfelt defense of a position where I got totally
emotionally caught up in it and felt very attacked.)

Even though I don't agree with you, I very much appreciate your contributions
to the list on this issue; I've learnt a lot from them.

Stuart.

-- 
Stuart Staniford-Chen --- President --- Silicon Defense
                   stuart [at] silicondefense.com
(707) 822-4588                     (707) 826-7571 (FAX)