Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Beyond Polyamory: Other Sex and Relationship Issues

[Deb Smyre (dsmyre]

At 12:44 PM 10/25/1999 -0500, Stuart Staniford-Chen wrote:
>
>I wonder whether you would have been able to reach her better by saying
>something like:
>
>       Actually, I did feel quite hurt and angry when I read your post.  When 
>       you tell me that I'm <whatever>, and emphasize it with CAPS AND 
>       MULTIPLE EXCLAMATION POINTS, I feel upset and it's hard for me to 
>       keep stating my strongly felt beliefs in a constructive way.  I try 
>       to make my points in as straight-forward a manner as possible, despite 
>       my upset.

        In real life, I'm a social worker. I know how to build a trusting
        relationship with a client based on mutual respect.  In this forum,
        I consider myself an equal with fellow list members, and see
        no need to hold their hand through a discussion, though I
        try to avoid taking or delivering 'flame-bait'.

>(Obviously, I'm making up your feelings since only you know what they are.) 
>But I'm sure you're strongly emotionally engaged at this point, or you
>wouldn't be posting so often.  (And I feel for you - I spent the week before
>last engaged in a strong heartfelt defense of a position where I got totally
>emotionally caught up in it and felt very attacked.)
>
>Even though I don't agree with you, I very much appreciate your contributions
>to the list on this issue; I've learnt a lot from them.

        This sounds like pity moreso than a compliment, Stuart.
        It's hard to know what a person feels when you've never
        met them.  The only person on this forum who knows me
        personally is Fred Olson (Hi, Fred!), the list manager,
        and I don't think Fred would offer me pity at this point
        in the discussion.  But, thanks (I think).

        Deb