Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Beyond Polyamory: Other Sex and Relationship Issues

[Stuart Staniford-Chen (stuart]

Deb Smyre

> 
> >(Obviously, I'm making up your feelings since only you know what they are.)
> >But I'm sure you're strongly emotionally engaged at this point, or you
> >wouldn't be posting so often.  (And I feel for you - I spent the week before
> >last engaged in a strong heartfelt defense of a position where I got totally
> >emotionally caught up in it and felt very attacked.)
> >
> >Even though I don't agree with you, I very much appreciate your contributions
> >to the list on this issue; I've learnt a lot from them.
> 
>         This sounds like pity moreso than a compliment, Stuart.
>         It's hard to know what a person feels when you've never
>         met them.  

I pointed this out explicitly above.  What I was trying to do is empathize
with you even though I disagreed with you.  I felt I had a basis to do so
from my own experience.  I have also found it's useful in group process to
comment non-judgementally on what I see happening in a conflict (in this case
an escalating cycle of accusations), and my guesses about other people's
feelings.  This is in the interests of checking my own assumptions and
helping the rest of the folks involved think about what might be happening
process-wise.  Effective groups are able to reflect on their own process as
well as the content of the discussion, and all members are free to do that. 
I don't see why the same techniques are not applicable on a mailing list. 
However, I seem to have offended you in trying and I apologize for any part I
played in that outcome.  

I certainly didn't feel pity for you - that's different than empathy.  And I
genuinely meant what I said about appreciating your contributions (prior to
this latest), and learning from them.  If it sounded like something else,
that was coming from you and not me.

Stuart.

-- 
Stuart Staniford-Chen --- President --- Silicon Defense
                   stuart [at] silicondefense.com
(707) 822-4588                     (707) 826-7571 (FAX)