Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Communication when times are stressful

[Dahako (Dahako]

Hi March -

Sounds pretty normal to me. I was a member of the first household to move in 
to Eno Commons in July 1998 with additional households moving in during the 
next 15 months or so.  We're just now coming out of the chaotic, withdrawal 
and clique-ridden phase you describe and starting to do real community 
building work consistently again.  

I've come to think Scott Peck was actually on the mark when he described four 
stages of community: pseudo-community (when everything is always just great), 
chaos, withdrawal (he uses another word), and community.  Not everyone is in 
the same place, or sees the community in the same place, but the group has to 
move in and out of these phases before reaching a stable deepening community 
phase.  In other words, I've come to think chaos sucks, but at least it's 
progress.  My struggle has been to find a way to both critique the current 
situation and to contribute positively toward moving forward.

Actually, I've seen that doing the latter consistently, by holding relaxed 
salons to discuss but not decide issues, having group game nights, getting 
together to contribute to a homeless family, planting a veggie garden, 
throwing annual parties, helps to create the bonds and atmosphere that moves 
people to want to move on.  More and more I realize things take time; people 
won't go until they are safe, secure, and ready; community is at least as 
much the day-to-day things we help each other do as it is the more emotional 
and intellectual meta-moments when we examine what we are becoming.

Good luck -

Jessie Handforth Kome
Eno Commons Cohousing Neighborhood
Durham, NC
"Where we're still working on our pedway, sidewalks and landscaping.  Sigh."