Cohousing-L Mailing List: Hidden projections of expectations around work ethics

[Rob Sandelin (floriferous]

There is this metaphor I like to use about community being like a crystal
that is hanging in a window. As the light shines on it, it refracts many
different lights due to the angles of all the facets of the crystal.

So one reflection looks like this: I am an organized, self starter type of
person. I can evaluate what needs doing, and do it without being told. The
unsaid expectation is: This is the right way to be and only if you were more
like me then everything would be better.

Another reflection goes like this: I am not very organized, I am not good at
seeing what needs doing, so I need someone to help direct me to choose what
is the best thing to do. The unsaid expectation is: I don't think most
things people do around here are very important, and if you thought more
like me then everything would be better.

It takes an illuminating light to shine on the community in order to see
these different reflections. That light comes when you examine these things
in public together. It is normal and subconscious to project that how  you
are in the world is the right way, and other people need to be changed and
fixed in order to be like you are. This often shows up very strongly in
community around issues of cleanliness, work, and child rearing. Community
is a great mirror for looking at these unexamined expectations. When you
find yourself annoyed at another person, ask yourself: is it because they
are not like you? Then ask yourself, why should they be like me?

Expectations can be a unnecessary burden. If you hold the expectation that
community meals  should be offered every night, then you will be
disappointed if meals are only twice a week.  If you examine your
expectations, then learn to question them, you may find letting go  of some
of them will make you happier and perhaps more appreciative of  the wonders
around you.

Rob Sandelin
Community Works!

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