Cohousing-L Mailing List: Conference Notes, Part 2: The Role of Gossip

[pattymara (pattymara]

The Role of Gossip in Conflict Prevention and Resolution 
Presented by David Ergo, Cotati Cohousing, Sonoma.
        Healing conflict effectively is critical to forming a strong group, and
managing gossip is an important part of this process.  We divided up into
couples and role played that we were best friends.  Then half of each
couple was told to go out into the hall.  The rest of us were given the
following scenario:  A neighbor is out of town, and calls you on the
phone to do him a favor.  He needs a phone number in his desk in his
home. Would you please go into his house, and get the number for him? 
You agree.  And in the course of finding the number in his desk you see
an artfully done magazine of ?soft porn?.  What do you do about this
juicy tidbit of information about your neighbor?
        The other half of the group was then brought back into the room and the
couples rejoined.  Conversations ensued.  Then we were called to
attention and the facilitator asked the following questions:  
Who shared the information with their friend?  (Most of the group raises
their hands)  
Who didn?t?  (One or two people raise their hands).  
Would you consider this Gossip?  (spectrum of responses from no to yes
with lots of variations.
How many of your groups have common agreements about not gossiping about
others in your community?  (most of the hands come up). 
How many of you have agreements that if you have an issue with someone in
your community that you go to them first, and not talk about them behind
their backs?  (Again, most of the hands come up)  
How many of you follow that rule?  (only one or two hands, probably the
same ones who didn?t share the juicy soft porn tidbit with their pretend
friend)  
What?s the matter with this picture?  
        Discussion followed and revealed that when you have an issue with
someone you often cannot go to them directly.  You may not feel safe, or
your feelings are so intense that you need to process them with someone
who is your ally first.  And yet all of our community  agreements tout
the ideal that we go directly to individuals with whom we have problems. 
A new look at the role of gossip is required here.
        Gossip Happens.  And it is OK to do it.  What is important is what you
do with the feelings that emerge when you are gossiping (or another
description could be ?processing your feelings about someone or
something?).
        Gossip happens when one of the following feelings is tripped:  
Mad     Sad     Glad    Hurt    Scared
        Focus on YOUR feelings. Talk with your friend to get clear on your
feelings.  
        Then take the next step:  Negative Charge, Break the Spiral.  David
explained that this next step is pivotal because it uses what we
traditionally label ?gossip? to heal conflict.  Once we face our
feelings, get very clear about them, THEN we can break the spiral of the
negative charge.  By engaging with friends we can get clear about our
feelings, and share information that will help us move beyond the
negative charge.  Perhaps this comes from additional information that may
help you understand why the other person?s behavior was so maddening,
saddening, hurtful or frightening to you.  Your friend may suggest ways
to cope with the feelings now and in the future if the behavior is
repeated by the other person.   Perhaps a next step might be to seek
mediation from a competent third party in an attempt to stop the
offending behavior.   In any event, the negative charge of the situation
is broken, and the spiralling dissention is attended to with potential
actions that may help resolve conflict in the future.  
        Some role plays then were done in the group to show how this is done,
but I can?t remember what they were about.  Fortunately, when I returned
home after the conference I was treated to a perfect example of how this
new look at gossip can be used to heal conflict.        This is what happened:
 (names are changed to protect the innocent)  I was sitting at a
community dinner with my neighbor Kathy when our neighbor Dick sat down
at the table with a pained look on his face.  ?Look at this note from
Jane that I just got in my mailbox?  The note reads:  ?I don?t think it
is fair that your visitors park next to your house.   I don?t get to park
by my house so your visitors shouldn?t get to park by your house either. 
Signed, Jane?.  Dick is clearly pissed off.  The turnout next to his
house is on his property.  It is one of the few assets that he feels his
house location offers, and now Jane was complaining about it because her
house is located on the interior of the project far away from parking
(and the noise of the road).  Dick sputters that he will tell his family
to park in the guest parking, but he?s still pissed that it is an issue
with Jane.  Kathy and I listen.  Then Kathy offers some information. 
?You know, this note is interesting because Jane signed it.?  Apparently
all last week Jane was leaving anonymous notes in the landscape about
leaving tools out.  One of the landscape team answered the notes
suggesting that it would be useful if the writer signed their name so
that a discussion could happen about why the tool was left out  This note
to Dick was an improvement on Jane?s past behavior because this time she
signed her note.  We acknowledged Dick?s anger at receiving the note AND
suggested that since he was already willing to tell his family to park in
the visitor?s spot, that he might also consider communicating this to
Jane in a return note.  It would help acknowledge her new behavior as
well as diffuse the situation.  Dick said he would think about it.  
        When Dick left the table, I commented to Kathy that she had reflected
perfectly what I had just learned about ?gossip? in community life at the
conference.  How she listened to Dick, acknowledged his feelings, let him
get his feelings out about the parking situation, offered some new
information about Jane, then suggested an action that promoted
communication.  By ?gossiping? about Jane, she helped resolve a conflict.

        Back to the conference:  David wrapped up the session by suggesting the
following guidelines on dealing with gossip in community life:  
1.  Establish a group agreement about the role of gossip.  Do it sooner
rather than later in your development process.  Establish precedents so
that it doesn?t escalate later in your group life.  
2.  Write a ?Care and Feeding Manual? listing individual needs and
boundaries.  (Examples:  George needs direct communication, notes don?t
work for him.  Ralph feels the opposite-notes give him more time to mull
over the information, then he can communicate his feelings better. 
Loretta wishes to keep her social life off limits from community chatter
and requests that if she entertains a visitor in her house that it not be
talked about in the community.   Irene feels safer talking to one person
about personal issues rather than a group of people.)   
3  Involve the group to form a conflict resolution agreement.  Keep it
simple, but offer several options.  One way to begin is to do an audit of
the group to assess what issues are bubbling up and how people feel
comfortable dealing with conflict. 
4.  Spend money to train members in conflict resolution, and rotate
members so that everyone gets a chance to learn the skills.  But keep
continuity on the team.    
 5.  Line up a ?Counselor on Call? for when the conflict resolution team
feels it needs some outside help.  Or, trade Conflict Resolution Teams
with other communities in the area.  Learn from them. 
6.  Allow for mistakes.  Learn from them. 
________________________________________________________________
GET INTERNET ACCESS FROM JUNO!
Juno offers FREE or PREMIUM Internet access for less!
Join Juno today!  For your FREE software, visit:
http://dl.www.juno.com/get/tagj.
_______________________________________________
Cohousing-L mailing list
Cohousing-L [at] cohousing.org  Unsubscribe  and other info:
http://www.communityforum.net/mailman/listinfo/cohousing-l