Cohousing-L Mailing List: Giving or Taking

[Becky Schaller (bschaller]

I'm finding myself in a strange situation and I'd like to hear how others
have dealt with similar situations.  As you read this message, it may look
like an issue about whether a community should pay for child care or not.
Although I have no control over how people may respond to this, I do want to
make it clear that that is not the issue I'd like addressed.

What I'm asking for is people's experience in being willing to give someone
something until it's demanded that you give that same thing to them.

We are discussing whether or not the community should continue to pay for
child care during general meetings. We did when we were in the planning and
building stages.  We've continued to do so after moving in.  However, we
didn't budget for it in the HOA.

Several months ago we discussed this issue.  It was such an easy issue then.
People who weren't parents were wanting to contribute and many parents
thought it was their responsibility to do so but were delighted that so many
people wanted to contribute.   We were just getting a feel for what people
thought at that point and we did not make any decision.

Since then, I'm not exactly sure what happened.  Well, one thing that
happened is that we now owe the HOA about $800 since we've been paying for
child care out of the HOA and there is no budget item for child care at this
point.

When we discussed the issue several months ago, I was happy to contribute.
Like I said, many others were also.  But since then, I've heard some parents
talking like the community should be paying for childcare during meetings.

And I've noticed that several of us have responded to these commnets in a
way I hadn't previously thought of.  While we're more than willing to
contribute money, we don't want people to demand it of us.

One man, who does not have children, even put out an email clearly stating
that while he wanted to contribute to child care costs,  he was also wanting
a sense of appreciation from the parents instead of a sense of entitlement.
I clearly hear that from some parents, but I also continue to hear other
parents talk about child care during meetings as their right.

The difference may seem subtle, but for me it's about giving the money
because this is something I choose to do or giving the money because I'm
irresponsible or even bad if I don't.

I don't remember the scene very well. But I think about the scene in Les
Miserables where the police return to the priest's house with the thief.
They asked if the silver which the thief had taken had belonged to the
priest.  I don't remember exactly what the priest said, but to the thief, he
did say something like, "You forgot these.  These also belong to you."  And
the priest gave the thief the priest's sterling candlesticks.

Vague as my memory is, I have thought about that scene a lot.  My conclusion
is that that priest is much more enlightened than I am.



I'm really not asking for advice about whether the community should be
paying for child care.  What I'm asking for is people's advice or experience
in being willing to give someone something until they demand that you give
that same thing to them.  I can't help but think this dynamic has come up in
other communities and will come up again in ours.

Becky Schaller
Sonora Cohousing
Tucson, AZ

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