Cohousing-L Mailing List: RE: Giving-Taking, Childcare, yadda, yadda thread.

[Ruddick, T.R. (RUDDICK]

Grace (btw that post was a really fun read!) observed:

>I'm embarrassed that Molly from Maine got flamed so for expressing her
>beliefs.  It was said that this is just friendly debate- but for goodness
>sake, I felt flamed, and I didn't even write the post!  Apologizing after
>villifing someone's statements (and in turn, that person) doesn't cut it
>either- no one here needs to know that you think Molly is wrong and why.
If
>you feel you need to apologize for a post at the end of it- don't hit send.

A few counterpoints:

1.  I think Molly is wrong and I tried to explain why in fair and
non-personal terms.  Did you really mean to imply that I should refrain from
expressing my opinion in the same forum that she expressed hers?

2.  There's often a glitch between intention and perception.  If you "felt
flamed" then I accept that as valid, but I do not automatically presume
there was intent to flame on the part of anyone who posted.
        Now, I understand that sometimes people do intend to flame others.
But I won't let myself jump to that conclusion unless the intent is really
clear.  For example, someone here mentioned the Taliban in the course of an
abstract, theoretical post on this topic (I forget who, but glad Andrea
acknowledged it wasn't me).  I didn't take that as flaming Molly--Andrea,
even, was very conditional in her suggestion that it was a little harsh.
However, if the author had written "Molly, you are no better than those
women hating Taliban terrorists" then that definitely would have been a
flame and subject to censure.
        I (and evidently Andrea) understand that sometimes people express
themselves in ways open to misinterpretation, and in those cases we suggest
our interpretation, but we don't insist on it.  That leaves the door open
for the other person to clarify the intent, and avoids hurt feelings on all
sides.

        I hope everyone who is so moved will share ideas on this (and every)
list.  If feelings are hurt, we need to deal with the feelings--not silence
the expression of ideas.  Overall, I'd hope we could all be a little less
thin-skinned and more willing to accept expression of differences.
        BTW, a post that ends with "I'm sorry if this seems harsh, that
wasn't my intent" is not apologizing for content, but trying to clarify the
intent.

It's a real stretch to insist that, by thinking critically about an idea,
I'm vilifying the person who came up with it.  C'mon Grace, I've had lots of
ideas that seemed great to me at first, but then when I shared them I was
fortunate enough to have others who proved to me how dumb they really were.
Haven't you (and all of us) had the same experience?  Rather than vilified,
I felt that I had been gifted in those exchanges.  My though process only
becomes stronger if treated rigorously by several other good minds.
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