Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Giving-Taking, Childcare, yadda, yadda thread.

[Molly Williams (mmw]

T.R. Ruddick and others,

This will be a long (but thoughtful!) note.

> A few counterpoints:
> 
> 1.  I think Molly is wrong and I tried to explain why in fair and
> non-personal terms.  Did you really mean to imply that I should refrain from
> expressing my opinion in the same forum that she expressed hers?

Since I can't believe that you are telling me my /feelings/ (which
are what I expressed) are wrong, I am forced to believe that you
(and others) are not hearing what I'm saying, although I've now said
the same thing about 5 times. This is my last try. 

I am NOT against paying taxes for public school education. I was
explaining to Becky and the list that it sometimes FEELS irksome to
pay these taxes (and other taxes) when the contribution I make is
never acknowledged by others. Further, being required by others to
do something -- feeling it's my duty rather than my pleasure --
sometimes takes away the joy of doing it. How is this so hard to
comprehend? I can't believe others don't FEEL this way sometimes,
even believing that public education or tax-paying are good things. 

It's the nature of tax-paying not to feel acknowledged, and we
accept that in fact, but it still can /FEEL/ icky. (Becky's post was
all about FEELINGS.) 

In our community, non-parents are treated as non-people by local
government and by the parents, although we pay taxes to educate the
kids. It's saddening (a FEELING) to be shuffled off to invisibility
when we contribute money and could contribute so much more.
   
The basic concept, once again, is that sometimes, some people (and I
certainly don't claim to know how others on this list, whom I've
never met and about whose everyday actions I know virtually nothing,
feel about anything) rail against doing what other people tell them
-- explicitly or implicitly -- to do. And, similarly, sometimes,
some people get real joy from giving time, money, attention, energy,
and other tangibles and intanglibles, when they feel that these
gifts or contributions are noted, appreciated, and valued. Period.

I've thought further about this the last 2 days and have had two
more insights about all this. I knew you'd want me to share them
with you. :-)

First, I wonder if there is a place between feeling entitled and
feeling abjectly grateful. That is, between being complacent and
taking for granted something (anything from public education or
child care to a space in a continuous line of traffic or a mate's
attentions), and, on the other hand, never feeling on solid ground,
always having to grovel or beg or prove oneself in order to get what
one wants or needs. 

In the case of child care during meetings -- Is there a way parents
with young kids could feel they belong and are accepted without
feeling they are entitled to paid child care? Or, is there a way the
people who are paying for the child care, if it's a group
collection, can express that they are happy to do it and can keep it
from becoming something that keeps the parents on edge, always
wondering if they will keep receiving these benefits? 

I'm thinking now of another analogy, public radio and TV. Public
broadcasting doesn't usually act entitled to our money, although
they could, since after all we watch or listen to their programs and
it's therefore our "duty" to pay. They grovel and are on tinterhooks
(sp?) all year long, hoping we cough up the cash. No one wants the
members of their community to feel so insecure. I don't know the
solution to this dilemma, by the way, but I think it lies at the
center of many family and community issues, and I think it's why
money is such a flashpoint in relationships. I think perhaps part of
the solution is that each person has to feel, in themselves, that
their giving and their taking are roughly equal. As in a marriage,
no one wants an account book kept, listing what they've given and
what they've taken and toting up the balance. Everyone wants to feel
they are giving more, or at least not taking more, than the other.
How to accomplish that?

Second, remember above when I said that in our community,
non-parents are treated as non-people? What I mean is that it
dismays me much to pay taxes and make monetary contributions to the
school, to the education of the next generation, and yet to never be
asked for anything /more/. The message I get is, "Your money is all
you're good for, all we want from you." The school and the local
leaders could USE the talents and time of the non-parents to
accomplish so much. I do volunteer in my town, about 40 hours/week,
but I could never be a school board member without being a parent. I
pay for the resource, I've certainly been a student, I've some
experience as an educator, and I am well-liked by all the kids I
know, but I am not qualified by virtue of being a non-parent (or
grand-parent). 
Also, the schools don't communicate what they're doing with
non-parents. I assume they must send home newsletters with the kids,
but non-parents don't see those. So I have no idea what volunteer
opportunities they offer. It was easy to find my other volunteer
jobs (Meals on Wheels delivery, working at the animal shelter,
working at the library) -- they were advertised to the whole
community. 

It's demoralising to be looked at only as a source of cash flow, and
not as a creative person, a person with time and energy to
contribute, a person integral to the community. Probably some of you
are in cohousing communities because you want GIVE and TAKE, both.
That's what these comments are all about.

~ Molly Wms. (Maine)
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