Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: sticks & stones - name calling

[Michael D (ohanamd]

> Words can heal, but hurt people often are not ready to be
healed, much less
> heal others. One thing we can do is respond to the hurt and
not to the
> words.

I agree with you that part of compassionate communication is
how we respond to other people's hurtful words and other
people's inner wounds.  Several principles I've found that are
helpful:

1. It may be helpful to reply to the content of the message
rather than to the way it was communicated.  In other words,
reply to the topic, not to the attack.

2. As you say, Sharon, if someone is projecting their hurt
through their communication, it may be helpful to
compassionately ask about the hurt rather than to get into an
argument.  (A great example: A man came into the office of the
family therapist/author Virginia Satir carrying a gun and said
he was going to kill her.  Without skipping a beat, Virginia
said to him, "Who hurt you so much that you want to hurt me?"
He put down his gun and told her his story.)

3. If there's any room for ambiguity in what the other person
says, always either check your understanding or else make the
most positive possible interpretation you can.

An important principle of compassionate communication is that
I only apply the pledge to myself.  I take other people where
they are and assume that they're doing the best that they're
capable of right now.  If they want to take the pledge, too,
that's their responsibility.  If they want my help with it,
they'll ask me for it.

Skills, tools, pledges, etc. aren't meant to be bludgeons that
we beat other people up with.  They're for our own use.

Namaste,
Michael
ohanamd [at] earthlink.net
Heart Song Community
Santa Fe, NM

http://www.delphi.com/thisismylife/messages
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongCommunity
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartSongSchedule
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TheHeartoftheMatter
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/QuotationsforConsciousLiving
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AQuestionofIntimacy
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/PrayersfromtheHeart

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