Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Re: Consensus & Majority Voting\Committee in Trouble

[pattymara (pattymara]

On Sat, 20 Jul 2002 07:10:21 -0600 Becky Schaller
<bschaller [at] theriver.com> writes:
 
> Part of the problem is that we're still learning how to resolve
> disagreements in the committees
>........I believe that in our community,  we need to pay more attention
to how the committees are working since that is where relationships are
getting strained. 
>.....Does anyone recommend any resources which address questions about
how committee members can best work together?
> 
> Thanks,
> Becky Schaller

At Tierra Nueva, we have experienced some difficult interpersonal work on
a few of our committees.  It seems that the committees offer a good
platform for interesting power & control struggles between strong
personalities.    The resources that we used were engaging a mediator,
plus, using excruciatingly clear communication practices during the
meetings.   Normally we have not felt the need to write minutes for
committee meetings, but when disagreements surfaced, it felt necessary
and helpful to start recording minutes which everyone could reference
when things got confusing and stickier.  

We used a trained mediator who lives here, chosen by the person who felt
most threatened, or misunderstood.  The meetings were rather gruelling,
but ultimately helpful.    (The person really wanted us all to pay for a
mediator from outside the community, but we did not agree with her, so
she chose someone from within the group, but not on the committee.)

Positions became more clear, feelings were listened to, and acknowledged.
 Eventually we realized that it really wasn't about *isssues* we were
trying to come to agreement on, it was really about the one person's
unhappiness that we didn't agree with her or meet her needs (spoken and
unspoken).  (Yes, that's a judgement on my part.)  Eventually, she
resigned from the committee, we went forward with the work, and within 6
months she chose to leave the community.  Part of our committee work
involved compensating this person for a donation of an item she had made
to the group, which we chose not to use.    

Relationship work is worthy work.  One resource I would mightily
recommend is Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent, Compassionate
Communication book, workbooks and videos.  We're in the process of
forming a study group here to do more practice together.  I know he has a
website, and it has been mentioned on this list previously, but I can't
seem to find the link in my files.     He offers simple communication
tools for discerning underlying needs and responding with big heart
compassion (like a giraffe, which has the biggest heart of the land
mammals).  

coheartedly,
Patty Mara
Tierra Nueva, Central CA Coast.
















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