Cohousing-L Mailing List: RE: disruptive members

[Rob Sandelin (floriferous]

My approach towards these kinds of things is to INTERVENE. This is a
multi-step process. The first intervention is a general, non-target
intervention to educate the whole group. It would look like this, at a
general meeting, people brainstorm a list of actions which make for a great
meeting. What are the things people do that can make meetings really feel
good. Then, come up with a list of actions which makes people uncomfortable,
and want to stay away from meetings. Post this list in the commonhouse, and
give EVERY SINGLE HOUSEHOLD a copy.  This first intervention process allows
for individuals to take ownership of how what they do affects others. It is
knowledge for them. This may be all that is needed.

The second intervention step is to identify particularly disruptive and
uncomfortable behaviors. Not people. Behaviors. Again, use the whole group
process to define this, and then write it down and post it so everybody can
see it all the  time. A great step that can be taken is to create a covenant
among yourselves that agrees we will try to maintain an environment where
people are comfortable and therefore we will try to x,y, z....

The third step, if needed, is a private personal intervention. Direct, to
the point. With compassion and real experiences to show that this behavior,
on this date, caused this affect, what we want is something different, would
you be willing to help us achieve that. You can help them by collaborating
together on strategies to help them. If you are feeling all angry and just
want to yell, let me know, and I will cue the facilitator for a break so you
can go outside and work it off. (Note: damaging behavior patterns may
require professional therapy, and at some point this might be suggested)

The final intervention step, which only should occur after the previous one,
is direct and immediate public intervention. Again with compassion and
firmness. "Rob, when you yell during our meeting time it is upsetting to me,
and others. We have agreed we want a meeting environment that is not
upsetting. Would you please either contain yourself to a non-yelling voice,
or if you can not do that, would you please leave the room until you can
control yourself."  there are all kinds of ways to do this, but it is my
experience, that immediate notice is the key. I have stopped meetings and
said something like: I'd like to shift into an immediate need I see, what I
observed just happened was....., This makes me feel..... I'd like to take 3
minutes and quickly see how others are feeling.....

I have found that almost all non pathological people will almost always be
mediated with the first 3 steps. People with serious emotional/mental
pathology can also be helped by these steps, but will require much more
work, requiring  professionals.

Rob Sandelin
Sky Valley Environments  <http://www.nonprofitpages.com/nica/SVE.htm>
Field skills training for student naturalists
Floriferous [at] msn.com


-----Original Message-----
From: cohousing-l-admin [at] cohousing.org
[mailto:cohousing-l-admin [at] cohousing.org]On Behalf Of Kate Nichols
Sent: Monday, March 24, 2003 8:00 AM
To: cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org
Subject: [C-L]_disruptive members



Last year our Process committee fell apart after three or four
members repeatedly disrupted the meetings by yelling at other
members, by interrupting, and by their complaints.  We would like to
start a process committee again, but we aren't quite sure how to go
about it. Some members don't want to attend meetings if the people
who tend to be disruptive attend because it is too stressful. But we
have some work to do around healing and process - how can we create a
safe environment?  Kate N. Nichols, Bellingham Cohousing
--
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