Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: disruptive members

[Sharon Villines (sharon]

On Monday, March 24, 2003, at 10:59  AM, Kate Nichols wrote:

> Some members don't want to attend meetings if the people who tend to 
> be disruptive attend because it is too stressful. But we have some 
> work to do around healing and process - how can we create a safe 
> environment?

As a part of the first stage of the excellent process Rob suggested I 
would also suggest being clear about how _some_ people feel when 
yelling is happening and determine why some people are yelling and 
others are not, and how everyone feels about yelling and not yelling.

Not all yelling is because people are "out of control" and even if they 
are "out of control" it is important for the group to understand why. 
What is happening that produces the yelling? Do some people have to 
yell (or cry) to get others to listen to them? How can this be remedied?

Not all yelling is anger. When non-yellers understand this, it 
sometimes helps them enjoy the fraicus and be less anxious.

Not all yelling is aggression. Some people express themselves this way, 
particularly when they feel strongly about an issue. It drives them 
just as crazy when others sit around "making nice" and ignoring the 
smelly elephant sitting in the center of the room. Yelling can be 
sometimes be more effective than not yelling. I personally prefer a 
meeting where people are expressing themselves (and taking turns doing 
so) to a meeting where people are not. There is a Taoist saying, "The 
horses of instruction have never proven themselves to be more effective 
than the tigers of wrath."

I would suggest that work needs to be done on both sides. While some 
people do yell to themselves when they are alone, they usually don't 
yell for nothing.

Sharon
-----
Sharon Villines
Takoma Village Cohousing, Washington DC
http://www.takomavillage.org

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