Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: disruptive members/behavior

[Elizabeth Stevenson (tamgoddess]

This is absolutely true, Racheli. My son was the victim of a little girl who
used to live here who would say horrible things to him under her breath and
with a smile on her face. Her parents never could believe that she was
capable of this. My son was always blamed for whatever the fallout was. She
will be the same kind of adult her mother is: outwardly sweet, and privately
despicable.

Good meetings don't just happen because people aren't yelling at each other.
There needs to be good facilitation and an agreement to treat each other
with respect. If this isn't happening, it may be time to hire someone from
outside for a tune-up. It can be very difficult to be the person or people
who have to confront someone who is loudly angry or subtly cruel. You can
become a lightening rod for the community; rather than fixing the problem,
it gets focused on you. "You shouldn't be so sensitive" or "don't take it
personally" get used a lot in other situations I've seen, though that sort
of thing hasn't happened here in years.

-- 
Liz Stevenson
Southside Park Cohousing
Sacramento, California
tamgoddess [at] attbi.com

> Secondly, people can be quite nasty, while never raising
> their voices.  Some of ugliest things I've been told were
> delivered in a subdued tone, sometimes even with a
> smile...  So, to me, overly concentrating on shouting
> is somewhat mis-directed.
> R. 

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