Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: disruptive members/behavior

[racheli (racheli]

I'd like to add to what Sharon wrote.
First, let's recognize that what amounts to "yelling",
and whether yelling is accepted or not is to some extent
a cultural issue.  In some cultures people can raise their
voice to some extent, without it being considered "yelling",
while in some circles the constraints on voice-raising are
much more stringent.
Secondly, people can be quite nasty, while never raising
their voices.  Some of ugliest things I've been told were
delivered in a subdued tone, sometimes even with a 
smile...  So, to me, overly concentrating on shouting
is somewhat mis-directed.  
R. 



>On Monday, March 24, 2003, at 10:59  AM, Kate Nichols wrote:

>> Some members don't want to attend meetings if the people who tend to 
>> be disruptive attend because it is too stressful. But we have some 
>> work to do around healing and process - how can we create a safe 
>> environment?

>As a part of the first stage of the excellent process Rob suggested I 
>would also suggest being clear about how _some_ people feel when  yelling
>is happening and determine why some people are yelling and  others are
>not, and how everyone feels about yelling and not yelling.

>Not all yelling is because people are "out of control" and even if they 
>are "out of control" it is important for the group to understand why. 
>What is happening that produces the yelling? Do some people have to  yell
>(or cry) to get others to listen to them? How can this be remedied?

>Not all yelling is anger. When non-yellers understand this, it  sometimes
>helps them enjoy the fraicus and be less anxious.

>Not all yelling is aggression. Some people express themselves this way, 
>particularly when they feel strongly about an issue. It drives them  just
>as crazy when others sit around "making nice" and ignoring the  smelly
>elephant sitting in the center of the room. Yelling can be  sometimes be
>more effective than not yelling. I personally prefer a  meeting where
>people are expressing themselves (and taking turns doing  so) to a
>meeting where people are not. There is a Taoist saying, "The  horses of
>instruction have never proven themselves to be more effective  than the
>tigers of wrath."

>I would suggest that work needs to be done on both sides. While some 
>people do yell to themselves when they are alone, they usually don't 
>yell for nothing.

>Sharon

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racheli [at] sonoracohousing.com
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