Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Dealing with difficult personalities

[Juva DuBoise (juva]

I am going to weigh in with my two cents for what it is worth....Before
leaving consensus, I would suggest that the group attempt to discuss
directly with this member the identified issue, (using Non-violent
communication steps) giving her concrete examples  of behaviors that are
difficult for the community, what individuals (speaking for themselves) are
feeling (emotions not thoughts), what they are hoping for - needing- and ask
all along the way what she is hearing (supporting her by letting her know
that this is hard and that the goal is to get her needs met).....If she is
not at a point of being able to hear this...then reverse the process and see
if someone can guess (this is a group process!) what she if feeling and
needing.  I understand how hard and risky this is.....but just imagine what
group strength will come out of this!  If you all are able to help her
clarify what she is needing everyone wins. I am assuming the hijacking of
the process and meetings is an un-met need and that she is doing her best to
met that need...alas she is probably experiencing the opposite of what she
was hoping for....helping her see that may be the best.   During this whole
process, make sure everyone is aware that she is holding energy for the
group and to flush it out is the strongest process for the whole group.
As for getting help, I would bring this up with her in private...suggesting
that if she doesn't want the group to hire help that then the group would
have a need to fumble through the best they can with out the help.  Don't
protect her to much, let her know that she is identified by at least some as
the problem and that the group would like to move past this and that she
could step out of the lightening rod roll with or without help.

Juva (CoHo in Corvallis - just forming so my thoughts are as someone who has
lots of group experience and about a year of just this process with forming
a Cohousing group......not someone with lots of actual Cohousing
experience....so for what it is worth....an idealist at heart and a belief
in taking the risk for the big reward, after all we are all in this (life)
together!.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Robert Heinich" <robert_heinich [at] juno.com>
To: <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org>
Sent: Monday, April 21, 2003 9:18 AM
Subject: RE: [C-L]_Dealing with difficult personalities


>
>
> >>> Consensus process is a like a chain saw, it has several
> >>> requirements to use it well and safely, and if you ignore those,
> >>> you can hurt yourself pretty badly, even fatally.
>
> Rob, what are those requirements? -Robert
>
> Robert Heinich
> Eno Commons
> Durham, NC
>
> --- "Rob Sandelin" <floriferous [at] msn.com> wrote:
>
>
>
> It sounds like you a forming group, without actual land or a building
> project yet. This is the most unstable of times, since all you have is a
> vision, and its easy to leave since capital investment is low.
>
> Consensus does not work in the situation you describe. It can not, nor
will
> not. You have already discovered that people will leave in disgust over
the
> broken process.
>
> My advice, is to change your process to majority voting. For Awhile. It
> sounds like this person is using consensus as a weapon against the group
to
> get her way. So meetings will move much better, and decisions will be
made,
> once she can no longer hijack them. This is the danger of using consensus
> with people who do not understand or support the value structures
underneath
> it, you get hijacked by a powerful personality who finds that they can use
> the process to get their way, or to get attention. You can use a
cooperative
> process to discuss proposals, modify them, etc. But in the end, do a
2/3rds
> majority vote on the outcome. My advice is to facilitate this with a firm
> hand, move through 4-5 decisions this way. It does not have to be a
> permanent change.
>
> I have seen this exact problem in more than two dozen groups, and moving
to
> a voting situation has always fixed it. Then they often move back to a
> consensus process after a while, usually with some different
understandings
> and ground rules in place.  The most typical outcome is that the person(s)
> without humility get some and realize that they are only one minority
voice,
> then they either change or leave. Once they figure out that they have to
> persuade people in other ways, or they simply get outvoted, is very
> educational for them and the group.
>
> Consensus process is a like a chain saw, it has several requirements to
use
> it well and safely, and if you ignore those, you can hurt yourself pretty
> badly, even fatally.
>
> Rob Sandelin
> South Snohomish County at the headwaters of Ricci Creek
> Sky Valley Environments  <http://www.nonprofitpages.com/nica/SVE.htm>
> Field skills training for student naturalists
> Floriferous [at] msn.com
>
>
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