Cohousing-L Mailing List: Control freaks and groups

[Rob Sandelin (floriferous]

There are boundaries to what is realistic for a cohousing group to take on
in terms of individual care taking and development. If no one has the time
to co-counsel another member, if no one has the skills or desires to be the
group therapist, then the kinds of communication that would be needed are
simply not going to happen. So look at your group from a time and energy
perspective. Do you REALLY have time and energy to invest in individual
therapy type work, or is this just someone's fantasy of how they WISH the
group was, because they would like to live in such a place?

If you set up a system that requires a lot of energy and time, then you need
to ensure that group puts in the energy and time. If you don't, and it
fails, it is not the systems fault. Doing individual intervention requires
time and skill. If you intervene poorly, then you lose the connection with
the person whose behavior you are trying to modify.

Consensus is not a requirement for a functioning group to be happily
cooperative together. And it is often not an appropriate method, works
poorly, and causes great unhappiness and frustration in many groups. If you
have unhappiness and frustration with your process it might be you are not
ready to use consensus process. This does not mean you can not still work
through issues, talk about all the aspects, care take concerns. It just
means, that in the end, in order to circumvent the blocking from
non-cooperative members, you vote and move on. It works wonders for
cooperative process once control freaks figure out they can't  hijack the
process anymore, and this changes their  behaviors.

Rob Sandelin
South Snohomish County at the headwaters of Ricci Creek
Sky Valley Environments  <http://www.nonprofitpages.com/nica/SVE.htm>
Field skills training for student naturalists
Floriferous [at] msn.com


-----Original Message-----
From: cohousing-l-admin [at] cohousing.org
[mailto:cohousing-l-admin [at] cohousing.org]On Behalf Of Juva DuBoise
Sent: Tuesday, April 22, 2003 6:59 PM
To: cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org
Subject: Re: Subject: Re: [C-L]_Dealing with difficult personalities



"How do we get people comfortable with giving up control, so the group can
function?  Unfortunately, with
>some personalities, I'm not very hopeful.          Sharon, from Sonora."

With some determination, lots of compassion and experience (belief) that it
is possible. When people get needs met, wants diminish  Seeing most of us
involved with Cohousing (so I hear) are control freaks...this idea of needs
vers wants is important.  I wonder if she has ever experienced feeling
heard...really heard - beyond her words, maybe beyond even what she is aware
of.  Granted she may not be willing to even try but it is worth giving her
the opportunity to know how the community experiences her, that in spite of
this that they are wanting and hoping to support her in getting her needs
met.  A HUGH part of this process is that everyone's needs must be met (not
wants). If this principle is understood, seeking the consensus has a chance
even with "control freaks".

Juva (fellow control freak) - CoHo in Corvallis
----- Original Message -----
From: "don i arkin" <shardon5 [at] juno.com>
To: <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org>
Sent: Tuesday, April 22, 2003 6:28 PM
Subject: Subject: Re: [C-L]_Dealing with difficult personalities


>
> What I'm hearing about this "difficult personality" can be summed up in
> one word, *CONTROL.*  Her obsessive need to control every decision the
> group makes whether most people in the group agree with her or not, to
> change the name of the group and all its current processes, etc. identify
> her clearly as a control freak.  Probably all of our communities have
> some problems with people who have an excessive need for control, and I
> wish there was a specific intervention that would work well to help
> confront this problem and get people to realize the difference between
> *having their say* and *having their way!*
>         Catya expressed the concept of having strong opinions, BUT being
> willing to let go of the result when the group doesn't share her opinions
> -- "On the other hand, part of the reason that this works is because i
> DON'T expect the group to share all of my vision, or that we'll do what I
> want all the time."   I think this ability to not be so stubbornly
> attached to what one wants is crucial to the success of consensus, altho
> Rob doesn't list it as one of his top 7 requirements.
>         Juva's idea of trying to discuss feelings, needs, and behaviours
> directly with the person is all fine, but the problem I see is that when
> you tell people that "the goal is to get her needs met," some people
> interpret that as "I get what I want."  How do we get people comfortable
> with giving up control, so the group can function?  Unfortunately, with
> some personalities, I'm not very hopeful.          Sharon, from Sonora.
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