Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Re: Refining concerns / needs

[Becky Schaller (bschaller]

Cheryl, thanks for writing this.  This helps me to more clearly distinguish
between the differences of feelings and needs.   I knew the difference
before, but I can now see that in the midst of a conflict, I've often not
been clear about this in my own mind.

Like Racheli, I also learned that needs are universal. I also understand
that each of us generally believes we have difficulty meeting particular
needs.  That differs from person to person.

I really liked your statement, "Addressing the core need Ð not necessarily
the feeling Ð resolves the concern more effectively than trying to
understand and assuage the feeling."

I want to remember to keep that difference in mind.

Becky

> On 7/20/03 8:17 AM, "Sharon Villines" <sharon [at] sharonvillines.com> wrote:
> 
>> Many people don?t know their basic needs/concerns until they get into a
>> process. It's the back and forth that brings them out and helps us define
>> how we feel. Unless someone has already dealt with a particular situation
>> before, they won't have worked this out yet. And as the situation changes,
>> their needs/concerns/feelings will change.
>> 
>> Needs/concerns/feelings are fluid. They don't distill.

Then Cheryl Charis-Graves wrote:
> Actually, I find that feelings and concerns may be fluid, but core needs are
> pretty consistent. For me, a core need is an issue or category of concern
> that shows up in an individual's life again and again. Here is where I find
> NVC to be most helpful.
> 
> Feelings and concerns usually arise out of core needs. So it is helpful to
> an individual to identify their core needs. Often, what feels like raging
> emotion is a reaction to a core need that is not being met. Addressing the
> core need Ð not necessarily the feeling Ð resolves the concern more
> effectively than trying to understand and assuage the feeling.
> 
> I am not that concerned with safety. It is not a core issue in my life. My
> core needs are more in the realm of autonomy, integrity, and spiritual
> communion. These are the same needs I have been working with my entire life.
> How I understand them has changed. Resolving my core family issues has
> helped tremendously. For example, I no longer experience depression. It
> wasn't a chemical imbalance or an inherited familial pattern (for me). It
> was a chronic pattern of unmet needs.
> 
> Since safety is not a core issue for me, I don't even notice that the lights
> in the parking area are out until someone expresses their need for safety. I
> used to try to resolve conflict at the feeling level, but I don't anymore.
> It's too temporary as a solution. I try to understand the underlying need,
> and I find it works out much better for all concerned. There are so many
> more creative solutions available when one is addressing needs as compared
> to feelings.
> 
> So I don't get worked up over an "urgent" demand on behalf of "everyone's
> concern" for an overhead light on the street parking that will cost
> thousands of dollars. I start asking questions that will help me understand
> the need. Then we brainstorm ideas about how to address the need.
> 
> By the way, I believe that our present government acts primarily out of
> their core need for "safety and security" Ð which does not intersect well
> with the core need of most Arabic countries for "honor and respect."
> 
> All just my point of view ...
> 
> Cheryl


_______________________________________________
Cohousing-L mailing list
Cohousing-L [at] cohousing.org  Unsubscribe  and other info:
http://www.cohousing.org/cohousing-L