Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Disinclination to cooperate

[John Faust (wjfaust]

When you buy into a community, you buy into its vision/mission/principles.
Unfortunately, these are often pro forma documents--symbols of
high-mindedness rather than practical guidelines for community life. But if
they are taken seriously by a community, then they become the minimal set of
shared values. I think the community does have a right to expect that.
Beyond that, revel in the diversity of views. That would be my expectations
of community life.

Interestingly, one of the better thought out (to me) consensus
guidlines<http://www.consensus.net/ocac2.html>argues that "[a] concern
must be based upon the principles of the group to
justify a block to consensus". In other words, any attempt to block a
proposal must argue it violates the group's principles in some way; there is
no other basis for a block. This makes the guiding documents an essential
part of all decision making. In this context, proposals and blocking need to
be well thought out.

That said, the following is acknowledged:

   - The guiding documents can be altered as the community matures. They
   should adapt because no community will get it right the first time. The
   following point suggests how this can be done systematically.

   - There will be times when there is disagreement over how the documents
   should be interpreted. This probably means they need more work. One strategy
   is to have a high-level vision statement and a mission statement that
   interprets it in more specific terms. The more specific mission should be
   periodically reviewed to address clarifications and changes in direction.

John Faust

On Fri, Jun 20, 2008 at 11:40 AM, Rebecca Stickler <docstick [at] gmail.com>
wrote:

>
> And here is a response. I did get something out of his discussion on values
> conflict.  I think that is what we really need to discuss as a larger
> group.  We should be able to respect one another's values without imposing
> them on others or making judgements that makes others feel intimidated.
> That was one of my biggest fears about ever getting involved with
> cohousing. Overall the benefits seem to outweigh the annoyances, but I
> haven't lived it yet.
>
> Rebecca
>
>
> On 6/19/08, Rob Sandelin <floriferous [at] msn.com> wrote:
> >
> >
> > Kay Argyle sent a long message about the demise of their community meals
> > and
> > it had this paragraph in it:
> >
> > When the community offered compromises (like tucking a roast pig behind a
> > screen for a big neighborhood party), but wouldn't cater to them (like
> > telling the neighbor who cooked the pig we didn't want it), they quit
> > attending potlucks and parties, and (due to a disinclination towards
> > flexibility in other areas as well) after a while dropped out of nearly
> all
> > other community activities.
> >
> > This is a classic values conflict, where somebody insists their values
> have
> > to be applied to everyone else. This is sometimes complicated by other
> > non-cooperative behaviors and usually leads to the "offended" person
> > eventually moving out, often to the relief of the more cooperative
> people.
> > Unless the values in question are explicitly agreed to as stated
> community
> > values, projecting them as expectations upon the community is not
> > reasonable.  One way to deal with this is make the case explicit. Bring
> it
> > up at a meeting as a proposal for an agreement. If there is no agreement,
> > then it is explicitly NOT a community value. Sometimes in the course of
> > going through this, values are examined and compromises can be found.
> > However, sometimes folks will make a do this or I leave emotional hostage
> > play.  The best course in this case is to smile, be kind at their lack of
> > cooperative ability but be firm, and allow them to leave with grace.
> > Community living does not work for everybody, and sometimes people just
> end
> > up in the wrong place and did not know any better. Its not your fault or
> > theirs that they ended up in the wrong community, and the experience
> > benefits everybody...eventually.
> >
> > Rob Sandelin
> > 17 Years at
> > Sharingwood Cohousing
> > Snohomish WA
> >
> > _________________________________________________________________
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> >
> >
> >
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